Monster

[TonyTilt]

viewtopic.php?p=1839952#p1839952

Don't talk to anyone I'm persistent,
you get closer to yourself in this distance..
Most of you work out the pain, I'm resistant.
I prefer to be referred to as an isolated instance. For instance,
It takes a certain kind to understand this,
my fucked up head is what helped me plan this.
I know I'm hard to relate with,
but writing this shit down is how I escape it.

Sometimes it's just too hard to describe how I think.
My Tolerance is constantly on the brink.
How therapy can take care of me when I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks?
Who would have thought that when I'm pondering my own
it's like my brain and sanity just fought in the dome.
If you see them please let them know they're missed back home..

I write when I'm bored/stressed, let me know what you think.

[Man1x]

Needs a Link of Feed, read the rules bro

[TonyTilt]

I'm terribly sorry guys, I did give mine and will edit the post correctly when it is approved. Thank you for informing me before I made the mistake again.

[TonyTilt]

Any feedback on what I wrote though?

[BigBoss]

Hit enter after each rhyme. Its annoying reading a paragragh of textrhyme. Seemed good though.

[TonyTilt]

Alright well, you don't have a link up yet but I'll feed you anyways.

The way I restructured it makes it a lot easier for people to read, like Sweet Tooth said, usually ending the line after the rhyme is when you should move on to the next one. But that doesn't mean this flows.

If you wanna make a rap flow, for beginners, try to match the syllables of each line numerically, for example:

"I am giving you advice on rap
And I'm living proof my rhymes aren't crap"

Though the lines don't match up in regards to length, syllabically they're identical <-- But that's a pretty short line, it's just an example.

Next is your rhyming. You seem to have a lot of shit on your chest and a decent idea of what you want to say, but your rhyming is sub-par. No problem (you actually remind me of myself when I first wrote), rhyming can easily be improved with a little practice, even just mentally. Again, looking at my example:


"I am giving you advice on rap
And I'm living proof my rhymes aren't crap"

Well to be honest, almost the entire first line rhymes 100% with the second line, but words like "on/aren't" are hard to detect via paper and it's down to enunciation, so that's why I didn't high light them. But notice all the rhyming I had in two lines? Multi-syllabic rhymes or multies is what you wanna aspire to write with. Basically words that rhyme more than one syllable:

Multi syllable rhymes/All these criminals lie

If you break them up into each individually matching syllable, you get:

Multi syllable rhymes
All these criminals lie

See what I mean? It's really easy with practice. I honestly couldn't do it at first then I didn't write for over a year but over that year I had rhymed in my head almost everyday to get better and now it's like...it feels impossible to NOT write in multies, y'know?

Your piece was nice because you showed real emotion in it but those pointers I gave should really help you out in the future if you wanna write a bit more "professionally" or Hip-Hop oriented.

Keep at it son!

Thank you so much for taking the time to correct it and offer the advice that you did! I will definitely use it the next time I post one of my writings, I also edited my post to show my feed and to show your corrections. I really appreciate it once again, you have no idea how helpful it is.

[TonyTilt]

Lol I can't take credit for the therapy line though, Its part of Crooked's verse on Sober Up