Past

[J.R.]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145280&p=1901884#p1901884

This song is kinda odd, the first verse is my personal family past, the second is my rap past. I'd really appreciate feed on this, thanks. I'm trying to get back in on this.

[Intro Sample- John Cena]
Yeah - and right now I'm showin love to my brothers and my old man
Y'all my family, I know that you know this
Y'all growin up with me man, true to life players
Grandma or grandpa watchin up above..
Y'all my heart, nothing but love.

[Verse 1]
Yo, this one's for my past,
B.Nutz has had lots of laughs,
He transformed into B.shady,
and that guy just turned crazy,
Got lazy, and stopped writing rhymes,
Now he's getting back at it one verse at a time,
It hurts to know that I'm worse and probably cursed,
with the lost skill of someone that's probably burnt..
I gotta take this leap of faith but let's just say it might just hurt,
And I'm still alone, no real good family and I never could find a skirt.
Glad I had a cousin to love otherwise I'd be alone in the dirt,
Joey, this one's for you, Tia, Jade and Mom,
This one's about my family, and coming back on..


[Bridge-Jazmine Sullivan ]

I hear it callin'
My name is callin'
Why you strugglin'
When you could be ballin'
My head is sayin' yeah
But my feet is stallin'
So many walk in
But any fallin'
But I got to have it
Like Eve and the apple
She had to grab it
I got to take it
I got to make it
That's the plan
And I can't forsake it.

[Verse 2]
All I know is I gotta get Back in, but it just feels like,
no matter where i go with this Rapping, Or if I Still try,
Everyone's still just Laughing, Fuck my life, I Might die,
But right now I'm just Snapping under these Stage lights,
Damn right, I'm pleading Love me, screaming I need rap,
but when the game Shoves me, I see that..
it doesn't Love me, it just Leaves back
A heart crumb trail and a broke path.

[Mr.DGAF]

The second verse is better, but it's really short man. I don't know, for getting back into it, it's not too shabby. The rhymes are pretty meh, not many multies until the second verse. The flow is a bit off, like something that I saw that I definitely used to/probably still do is adding filler words to make the bar longer so it dictates the flow. It's just a little something to change a bit to improve writing even more. Just focus on rhyming more man, that's the best way to get back into it. Act like you never started, and this is J.R. 2.0. Just keep working dude.

[J.R.]

I just sometimes don't think I can do this shit anymore.

[Mr.DGAF]

I mean, sometimes it's tough. I went through like two or three months last year where I just couldn't write shit. So I stepped away, didn't really think about it, then started slowly writing again. Just ease back into it, I've seen some good shit from you so I know it's in there.

[J.R.]

Definitely feel you there. I'll see what I can do, thanks for the advice and help and concern brother.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

yeah man, Mainly focus on more multis, and definitely make the verses a bit longer. I am going to tell you what Trex told me that helped a lot, Grab a sheet of paper write a cool 3 (or more) syllable word down and rhyme things with it. It helps a lot with writers block, although I'm just a beginner I think it'lll help!
Keep up the good work dude!

[JamaicanPattlez]

Yo, JR, what's up man? Alright, I'm gonna be real with you, since you deserve the criticism and I THINK you want to improve real badly. Content wise, I enjoyed this. Lyrically? I wasn't feeling it, it was too short, and I had to reread the first verse a couple times. Your second verse is much better, but still too short. You gotta start having a serious work ethic if you wanna improve with it, that's how you get better. Practice. Even when you have a writer's block, just keep trying to get something down, even a couple lines for you to use later.

Now, Multies are very important, but what I've learned from the good people here in CW and from personal experience, it's best not to force a multi out if it's gonna sound like crap. Don't force it, cause if it doesn't feel natural, what's the point? You learn quickly that you could write 10-syllable verses, but if it doesn't make a lick of sense, or it sounds unorganized and like you just wanted to show off how well you can rhyme, it takes away from the piece.

Don't quit though. Just keep it, if you really love Hip Hop that much, you'll keep at it, and one day you'll be a great lyricist. It just all comes down to how bad do you want it, how long are you willing to work to get your verse sounding perfect, your work ethic and what you need to improve on. Cause either you can sit and make weak verses about how you can't make strong and incredible verses, or take the time, grind, and make amazing verses. Your choice, my man.