What I've Noticed

[JamaicanPattlez]

People hate you when your life is so much better than theirs,
When the only difference is, you're just better prepared,
Your mind's like a factory, and it's really quite the masterpiece,
Soon you'll like to think so practically cause indignation is a tragedy,
Hard labor paves the way, so excuses are just some potholes,
Cars may take all of the weight, but who proves it are the walkers,
Haters want to scheme me and they wanna see me bleed,
But then later when they see me, they just wanna see me dream,
And if y'all proclaim to hate me, then you're just lying and in denial,
Cause from what I'm seeing lately, you're just trying to find some vile,
Things to say about me, yet you disregard yourself,
There's some shit I say so loudly that makes me disregard my health,
But if the truth needs to be said, then I'll spit it and you can judge it,
You think I'm rude, you want me dead, I'm total shit, and you can fuck it,
Everyone wants the truth, but nobody likes the pain,
That's why you always hear the crude, and why nobody writes the gain.

posting.php?mode=reply&f=24&t=145280

I just wrote this in like 40 minutes, it all just flowed to me. Words started coming in. Thoughts?

[Eedee]

People hate you when your life is so much better than theirs,
When the only difference is, you're just better prepared,
Your mind's like a factory, and it's really quite the masterpiece,
Soon you'll like to think so practically cause indignation is a tragedy, <--- too many words.
Hard labor paves the way, so excuses are just some potholes,
Cars may take all of the weight, but who proves it are the walkers,
Haters want to scheme me and they wanna see me bleed,
But then later when they see me, they just wanna see me dream,
And if y'all proclaim to hate me, then you're just lying and in denial,
Cause from what I'm seeing lately, you're just trying to find some vile,
Things to say about me, yet you disregard yourself,
There's some shit I say so loudly that makes me disregard my health,
But if the truth needs to be said, then I'll spit it and you can judge it,
You think I'm rude, you want me dead, I'm total shit, and you can fuck it,
Everyone wants the truth, but nobody likes the pain,
That's why you always hear the crude, and why nobody writes the gain.

I highlighted my favorites rhymes and pointed out a few flow problems (for me at least).

Liking the drop! I remember last year when you were first dropping, you've improved LOADS. Loads all over my face. In my face.

[JamaicanPattlez]

People hate you when your life is so much better than theirs,
When the only difference is, you're just better prepared,
Your mind's like a factory, and it's really quite the masterpiece,
Soon you'll like to think so practically cause indignation is a tragedy, <--- too many words.
Hard labor paves the way, so excuses are just some potholes,
Cars may take all of the weight, but who proves it are the walkers,
Haters want to scheme me and they wanna see me bleed,
But then later when they see me, they just wanna see me dream,
And if y'all proclaim to hate me, then you're just lying and in denial,
Cause from what I'm seeing lately, you're just trying to find some vile,
Things to say about me, yet you disregard yourself,
There's some shit I say so loudly that makes me disregard my health,
But if the truth needs to be said, then I'll spit it and you can judge it,
You think I'm rude, you want me dead, I'm total shit, and you can fuck it,
Everyone wants the truth, but nobody likes the pain,
That's why you always hear the crude, and why nobody writes the gain.

I highlighted my favorites rhymes and pointed out a few flow problems (for me at least).

Liking the drop! I remember last year when you were first dropping, you've improved LOADS. Loads all over my face. In my face.

Haha word? I found the flow easy for me! Thank you though. I had no real idea I improved THAT much lol, not many people really tell me that.

[Eedee]

^ You wrote it. You know how to flow it. Just without a beat, that part threw me off. Maybe I'm just a tard.
But yeah, you're getting extremely dope. One of my favorites on CW. None of your drops have been rushed, shallow or just meh. Always have good rhyming, content, etc. Good shit. Keep it up.

[JamaicanPattlez]

True that. Haha. Idunno! But thank you. It's always good to hear someone that appreciates my work! It keeps me humble. Definitely keeping it up!

[Mr.DGAF]

The first two lines are the best written lines of the piece, and perhaps some of the best lines I've seen you write. It's set up nicely, word choice is perfect. Just reall good shit there.The rest of the piece was good too, pretty much up to the standards of your regular stuff. The rhymes are good, sometimes the multies aren't too great but the content makes up for it. I feel like the word choice in parts is still iffy, but overall this is a good piece dude.

[JamaicanPattlez]

The first two lines are the best written lines of the piece, and perhaps some of the best lines I've seen you write. It's set up nicely, word choice is perfect. Just reall good shit there.The rest of the piece was good too, pretty much up to the standards of your regular stuff. The rhymes are good, sometimes the multies aren't too great but the content makes up for it. I feel like the word choice in parts is still iffy, but overall this is a good piece dude.

Thanks man! Could you show me which multies you mean?

[Mr.DGAF]

Well, the plothole/walker line is the only one that I thought was ehh. I mean, it works, but its kind of a stretch. That's just nitpicking, the piece is nice, but there's always some tiny things to perfect.

Another, super small thing is using the word "just". You don't do it like I used to, but I used to add the word "just" to lines to try and make them flow better. And you didn't do it much, but I saw it maybe three times and that sticks with me because its something I was doing a lot. Not really a bad thing either, just something to increase vocab. But yeah, that's just me nitpicking, I'm not even sure if the second one is a real complaint hahaha.


But if you have the time, maybe check out the brand new CW group Catastrophic and their debut track?

[JamaicanPattlez]

Well, the plothole/walker line is the only one that I thought was ehh. I mean, it works, but its kind of a stretch. That's just nitpicking, the piece is nice, but there's always some tiny things to perfect.

Another, super small thing is using the word "just". You don't do it like I used to, but I used to add the word "just" to lines to try and make them flow better. And you didn't do it much, but I saw it maybe three times and that sticks with me because its something I was doing a lot. Not really a bad thing either, just something to increase vocab. But yeah, that's just me nitpicking, I'm not even sure if the second one is a real complaint hahaha.


But if you have the time, maybe check out the brand new CW group Catastrophic and their debut track?

That's true, there's always something needed to be changed. Nitpicking is good to an extent lol, no worries. The 'just' thing, yup. Guilty. The vocab thing isn't a bad idea. I just like using a simplistic vocabulary so the message sticks out better, but I'll try expanding. Couldn't hurt. And feeded your group's first drop!

[Eedee]

^ I just now realized I do the same "just" thing as well. That's fuckin' weird. I don't even think I did it, but I went back and read some of my recent drops and there it is: just just just.

What I've Noticed... is I do that too.

[Mr.DGAF]

^^ I know haha, I just recently read all my pieces again and noticed that. If there is a such thing as a filler word, "just" is it.

What I've Noticed... is I do that too.

[JamaicanPattlez]

^ I just now realized I do the same "just" thing as well. That's fuckin' weird. I don't even think I did it, but I went back and read some of my recent drops and there it is: just just just.

What I've Noticed... is I do that too.

^^ I know haha, I just recently read all my pieces again and noticed that. If there is a such thing as a filler word, "just" is it.

What I've Noticed... is I do that too.

These fuckin' guys smh. Looks like it's a common thing!

[JustEnjoytheMusic]

I just wrote this in like 40 minutes, it all just flowed to me. Words started coming in. Thoughts?

. 40 Minutes?

That's ... Wow. Congrats, man. This is impressive.

Everyone wants the truth, but nobody likes the pain,
That's why you always hear the crude, and why nobody writes the gain.

I loved this part because that's the way it is. Also, I think the beginning of the verse is great.

Is there any beat you had in mind for this?