Sick jokes

[Sam.]

A man in a bar said to the bartender, “I’ll bet you a hundred bucks I can bite my own eye!” The bartender, convinced this was impossible, accepted. The man pulled out his false teeth, bit his eye gently with them, and replaced them in his mouth. The bartender was pretty upset, but paid the $100.

A few minutes later, the man approached the bartender again. “Look,” he said, “I’ll give you a chance to win that hundred back. I’ll bet you the same hundred bucks I can bite my eye, without taking out my false teeth.” Again the bartender accepted the bet. And again the man pulled a fast one, removing his glass eye and biting it. The bartender was really angry, but paid another $100.

After half an hour, the man came up to the bartender again and apologized. “I really should apologize, it wasn’t fair to take advantage of you like that. I’ll let you win the two hundred dollars back, really easily. I’ll make a bet that if you stand me up on a bar stool and spin me around, I can piss in a glass on the bar without spilling a drop.” The bartender knew this was impossible, and leapt at the chance.

The bartender put a pint glass on the bar, and the man got up on the stool and dropped his pants. As the bartender laughed and spun the stool around, the man started to pee. Nothing went in the glass. He peed all over the bartender, who was laughing so hard he nearly fell over. After he was finished, the bartender chuckled, “How could you make such a stupid bet?”

“It wasn’t stupid at all,” the man said. “I just bet those guys in the corner a thousand bucks I could piss in your face and you’d break up laughing!”

[mdemaz]

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

[Sam.]

One day at Little Bastard Elementary school, the children were at class in Mrs. Little’s class. She told the class that there was to be a special type of quiz that day and if you got your question right, you could go home early.

“Alright class, who said ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’?” Little Suzy rose her hand and answered John Kennedy, so she was dismissed.

“Now, who said ‘Give me liberty or give me death’?” Little Janie rose her hand and said Patrick Henry, and was dismissed.

Little Johnny yelled out, “Stupid girls should keep their mouths closed, and just be used as breeding stock.” When the teacher yelled out, “Who said that?” Johnny quickly replied, “ME, see you tomorrow.”

[mdemaz]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

[Elision]

Women's Rights.

[Oby One]

Women's Rights.

Oh, you !

[embm]

mdemaz is on a roll


ty troublemaker

[Sam.]

:laughing: mdemaz is on a roll


ty troublemaker

WAT about me ?

[Oby One]

:laughing: mdemaz is on a roll


ty troublemaker

WAT about me ?

[Bistnal]

Great thread.

[mdemaz]

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Also:
Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.

[embm]

:laughing: mdemaz is on a roll


ty troublemaker

WAT about me ?

awww

ty

[mdemaz]

Q: Why are cyclones named after women?
A: Because they arrive all wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.

[Sam.]

Q: Why are cyclones named after women?
A: Because they arrive all wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.

[mdemaz]

Nate: "Hey, what's the weather like out there?"
Kate: "I don't know. I'll tell you when it clears."