Sick jokes

[mdemaz]

I don't really read what I ceepee, I just.....Um...Ceepee..

[Sam.]

I had a wet dream about Cherie Blar last night.







































































































She got hit by a bus and I pissed myself.

[mdemaz]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other’s penis and notices there’s a nicotine patch on it.

He looks up at the priest and says,
"I believe you’re supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder,
not on your penis."

The Priest replies,
"It’s working just fine... I’m down to two butts a day."

[Sam.]

A guy was shipwrecked, and ended up on a deserted island. After wandering around for a few hours, he was captured by the local tribe of cannibals and taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest, he was taken before the king and told that, as it was the king’s birthday, he would get a chance to live.

His chance was passing three tests in three huts.
The first had a keg of rum inside, he had to drink the keg dry.
The second had a tiger with a sore tooth, he had to remove it.
The third had a woman who had never been satisfied, he had to satisfy her.

With confidence he strode into the first, and about an hour later stumbled out plastered.
"Get me to the next hut! " he yelled.
In the second hut all was quiet, then roars and screams were heard, this was followed by sudden quiet again.

As he stumbled out of the hut he roars, "OK Goddamnit, now where’s that woman with the sore tooth?"

[mdemaz]

Three friends got married on the same day and honeymooned together at the same hotel. They decided to secretly let the others know how well their efforts had gone in consumating their marriages in the morning at breakfast by ordering the relevant amount of toast.

In the morning all three sat with their new wives at adjoining tables and ordered their breakfasts in turn

"I’ll have a full English breakfast with THREE slices of toast please." smiled the first.

"I’ll have a full English breakfast. Just ONE slice of toast with strawberry jam please." said the second glumly.

"I’ll have a full English breakfast with SEVEN slices of toast," smirked the third "Oh! - and better make two of them BROWN please."

[Sam.]

Ben has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start kissing and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"No way!" she says. "I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I’ve never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it’s just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What’s wrong ? !" she cries.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"

[Sam.]

Q: How Many Legs Do You Have?

To find out the answer, look down...

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.Look down, not scroll down!

[mdemaz]

Penis.

[Sam.]

A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."

Her mother says, "Oy, that’s great."

She says, "But, Ma, he’s an Arab."

Her mother says, "Oy, that’s not so great."

She says, "But, Ma, he’s an Arab sheik. He’s wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that’s all he’ll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime ... now, it’s the size of a silver dollar."

Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you’re going to make trouble?"

[Sam.]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don’t think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here’s a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There’s no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[Sam.]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, its like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

[Sam.]

When Britain was an empire it was ruled by an emperor.
When it was a kingdom it was ruled by a king.
Now it is a country is is ruled by ..... Tony Blair.

[the real slim shady]

When Britain was an empire it was ruled by an emperor.
When it was a kingdom it was ruled by a king.
Now it is a country is is ruled by ..... Tony Blair.

tony blair = gone
gordon brown = gone
david cameron = probably going to go soon

[mdemaz]

2 blind men walked into a bar because they never saw it coming.

[Fleka]

2 blind men walked into a bar because they never saw it coming.