Sick jokes

[Sam.]

Two queers, Rupert and Quentin, are behind some bushes,

When all of a sudden Rupert shouts out as he is having terrible pains in his stomach

Quentin asks him "What?s the matter with you"

Ruperts says "I think I’m having a baby"

Quentin says "Don?t be stupid you can?t have a baby - you?re a man"

Rupert says "I can feel it moving around in my stomach"

All of a sudden Rupert has one almighty pain in his stomach so he pulls his trousers down and squats. There is a bloody mess everywhere as he pushes with all his might. When he is finally finished he looks down and shouts out at the top of his voice "I’ve had a baby. I can see its little arms and legs moving around"

Quentin comes over to take a look..

"You dirty bastard. You’ve just shit on a frog"

[Sam.]

A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They precede to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife’s mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.

That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to f*ck the same cow every day."

[Fleka]

A guy was shipwrecked, and ended up on a deserted island. After wandering around for a few hours, he was captured by the local tribe of cannibals and taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest, he was taken before the king and told that, as it was the king’s birthday, he would get a chance to live.

His chance was passing three tests in three huts.
The first had a keg of rum inside, he had to drink the keg dry.
The second had a tiger with a sore tooth, he had to remove it.
The third had a woman who had never been satisfied, he had to satisfy her.

With confidence he strode into the first, and about an hour later stumbled out plastered.
"Get me to the next hut! " he yelled.
In the second hut all was quiet, then roars and screams were heard, this was followed by sudden quiet again.

As he stumbled out of the hut he roars, "OK Goddamnit, now where’s that woman with the sore tooth?"

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.

"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.

"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."

[the real slim shady]

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.

"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.

"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."

damn, some of these are pretty good

[Sam.]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it’s worth it)





























Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.





































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.



By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen

[Sam.]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry....we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[iain08]

Wack ^

[Sam.]

I myself have fallen victim to the latest scam in Chiswick while shopping. This happened in the high road and it could happen to you.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are leaving the shops while your are placing your packages in the front footwell of your car. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to the Kingston Bentalls centre.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I fell for this scam last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn’t find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

[the real slim shady]

I myself have fallen victim to the latest scam in Chiswick while shopping. This happened in the high road and it could happen to you.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are leaving the shops while your are placing your packages in the front footwell of your car. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to the Kingston Bentalls centre.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I fell for this scam last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn’t find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

I was in kingston Bentalls Centre the other day... random bit of info right there

[Sam.]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."

[Sam.]

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, Sir.”
“Good man,” said the Major.

He went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic piles, Sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, Sir.”
“Good man,” barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic gum disease, Sir”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!”

[Fleka]

Q. What ís better than winning a Gold Medal in the Special Olympics?
A. Not being retarded.


Man 1: "I can have any woman in this pub."
Man 2: "How's that then?"
Man 1: "I'm a rapist.



Leroy gets home from school, goes up to his Dad and says
'Dad, Dad, We did letters in school today and I got all the way up to S, all the white kids could only get up to P...Is that because I'm black?'

His dad says, 'Its got nothing to do with your colour, Son, Its because you are smart'

Next day, same thing.

'Dad, Dad, we did numbers today, and I got all the way to 18, all the white kids only got up to 12, Is that because i'm black?'

'Look Son, I told you yesterday, its got nothing to do with you being black, you're just smart.'

Day after Leroy, all excited, gets home says to his old man.

'Dad, dad, in P.E. today i noticed that my cock was three times the length of all the white kids...is that because i'm black?'

'No, you cunt....Its 'cos you're 27!'




what does a peodophile use a as lubricant ?
Tears
Oh fuck!!

[Sam.]

John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a short while, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later , she became his stepmother.




Women are so much smarter than men.

[Sam.]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight , "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution.

Next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight ". He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with
that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Wallace]

^^^Oh shit, funny one