my first written rap( help needed)

[Damarkus]

yeah so very first time writting a "rap" i mean i think its okay for my frist time but i recon theres 12 year olds witha broader ryme scheme than me so any imput would be greatly apreciated and i know it'l not make much sense to you guys but try any way

Tick tick boom as soon as you walked up in the room .
i knew i’d hate you,but i rap this song all day long.
in the hope that you’ll go awaaaaay, but i have to suffer another day, of your constant bullshit you spray my way.so im gonna spread some your way and prove once and for all your gay!


Fat in the closest les be n
gayer than that fucker glen
claiming non dikeness like we’re to bieleve this?
bull shit back the fuck up befor i shut you the fuck up.slut.
“i’ve had sex with 25 guys to cover up my big lesbian lies!”
Got pregnant twice caus im a hoe got rid of them befor anyone would know,

[gutawafang]

Structure and lots of typo errors.

[Damarkus]

Structure and lots of typo errors.

thats not help thats stating the obvious i typed it very fast so theres alot of spelling mistakes letters where there shouldnt be however some are written i would say em

[SajN]

Ok, the structure is just messed up.
It's hard to read with that structure, and hard to find the flow.


You need to make the lines like


-----------------------------------
------------------------------------
------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------


Something like this. Don't make them too long, like an essay, or too short like a poem.
You can start out with 10-12 syllables each line. Then the structure and flow will be much better.


I can't concentrate on the other stuff, like rhymes and such because I feel it's hard to read that.


Just helping

[Damarkus]

Ok, the structure is just messed up.
It's hard to read with that structure, and hard to find the flow.


You need to make the lines like


-----------------------------------
------------------------------------
------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------


Something like this. Don't make them too long, like an essay, or too short like a poem.
You can start out with 10-12 syllables each line. Then the structure and flow will be much better.


I can't concentrate on the other stuff, like rhymes and such because I feel it's hard to read that.


Just helping

its cool i like critisms nothing can be too harsh, at firt i had all set out in lines but i thought that maybe it was just me who understood it,

[X'ed Up]

Grammar.....didn't bother to read with that horrrid grammar

[Spyder]

mutlies

spray-back, say-that shitty examples lol

but they make the rhymes better, also use a bigger vocab and not so basic rhymes

the structure doesnt have to be exactly lining up
just make sure they have the same syllable count

[SajN]

mutlies

spray-back, say-that shitty examples lol

but they make the rhymes better, also use a bigger vocab and not so basic rhymes

the structure doesnt have to be exactly lining up
just make sure they have the same syllable count

Fuck multies for now man.
He should get a grasp on the basics first.
How to make a piece smooth, by having a good structure, "normal" rhymes, and easy flow.
THEN the rest will come; multies, metaphores, punchlines etc... These techiques shouldn't be stressed already in the beginning. He first need to get an overview.

[Spyder]

sajn multies are a basic thing, if he grasps them now he will imrpove a lot faster
im not saying complex multies.... just multies in general