Before Death, After Life (Added Chorus)

[Fa-Q]

Just a random piece I wrote about one of my dreams...enjoy peering into my after hours

These Days, leave me in a daze, making this week slow,
Climbing this monstous mountain, I bet the peak's snow,
I walk fast, talk at last, but somehow I speak slow,
I seek no, help for I have poison arrows, but a weak bow,
The carnival's no fun, for I live but a living freak show,
I'm more than a fallen angel, I'm a demon in hell,
Spewing hurtful thoughts, and I'm screamin them well,
But I still try to tip toe on broken glass, I'm chokin' fast,
I learned to confess sin, before its burned into flesh then,
You'll probably end up, sweating the small stuff,
Like why your upset you're not fuckin tall enough,
And all this stuff, makes even the strongest mind,
Die, riddled with cracks, knowing its been the longest time,
My time line, was I was the whole time trying to find mine,
But mine was lost and then found in the sands of time,
And in screaming caves, crying mountains, stands a mime,

I'm just after life, before I die,
But the more I cry, the more I see,
And before I breathe, I wanna see, the after life, before death,
I'll live tonight, absorb breath, to make sure there's no more left,

So if I dig in wet sand, or crawl to higher skies,
Searching for stars like they're all just fire flies,
Or if I creep down this long hall hearing dire cries,
And the sweat on my brow, hoping the fire dies,
But it drips on cords, and fate hopes the wire dries,
What if my shaking bleeding hands contains splinters,
And they drip on the snow, so it not only stains winters,
But it makes contact with my pupils, and with open eyes,
I try to veiw the clouds, as the darken broken skies,
And I'm hopin' cries, helps clear the smoke plooms,
Sweepin this all under the rug, leaves soaked brooms,
And keeping it bottled up, leaves my choked dooms,
As I see nothing but short snakes, slither in grass,
The poison ivy, spreads, but dies, and is witherin fast,
My free sins grew naught, so each knee begins to rot,
So it falls on daffadils, but they still laugh at kills,

I'm just after life, before I die,
But the more I cry, the more I see,
And before I breathe, I wanna see, the after life, before death,
I'll live tonight, absorb breath, to make sure there's no more left,

I've seen the green grass grow, it turns transparent,
They've choked the flowers, now my hands arogant,
They are buried in tombstones, next to grave sights,
They died for somethings, just like slaves's rights,
The graveyard's next to sea, and each wave bites,
As the sea eats into the decaying rock, the sea wall,
Once bitten into, collapses with an amazing free fall,
And I can't see at all, my eyes cry two different salt waters,
An earth quake happens, and each fault todders,
I tie a rope around the moon, thank God I found the loom,
I hear a distant noise, as I assure myself the sound is boom,
And smoke billows out, suddendly surrounds a ploom,
Is this a dream, a nightmare, will I wake in a cold sweat,
Will I dig for silver and oil, just to have a gold debt,
I know for the afterlife, I have to do more before my death,
So I'll just ignore my breath, and hope there's a bit more left,

[GoodGirlsGetGutted]

Well, "slave's rights" is an oxymoron if you think about it.
This is strong stuff.
Unreal, but at the same time vivid.
These multiples were fantastic.
Except I would have said "smoke 'shrooms" instead of "smoke plooms (plumes)", like as in a mushroom cloud.
That's just me.

[Fa-Q]

Wow thanks GGGG, yea I thought about the shrooms but I though I would have to say mushshrooms...and it would mess up the multi...and the slave rights...I met like black slave rights....I'm thinkin about changing it because it really doesn't pertain...at all

[GoodGirlsGetGutted]

No, I'm saying a slave by nature is human property. The ultimate human right is freedom. If a person is property, they have no rights, period (they would have what's called "privileges"). Hence, "slaves' rights" is a classic oxymoron.
It's like saying "enforcing freedom".

[Fa-Q]

But I'm talking about the black slaves. lol its something direct and it would be an oxymoron if I said the rights of the slave, but since its a particular "right" given constitutionally...so, we're both right and both wrong

[mcZu]

I felt like something is missing when I read through it all. Not that it's not vivid enough, or not enough multies, no, something else. I can't quite name it yet. It's like you wrote it without trying to make it a coherent piece. But at the same time the verses do connect in some way. The rhyme scheme is good, though. I have to reread it tonight, maybe I'll figure out what is bothering me.

Anyways, it's still a good piece. I'll make sure to come back to that tonight (II), if I forget to feed this piece again, PM me.

[Fa-Q]

Hmmm...ZU I think I know what you mean, thanks for feeding

[Fa-Q]

Bump

[mcZu]

I think I figured out what's bothering me, there's no chorus. A chorus (and if you feel like it, a bridge too) would significally cover up the lack of coherence through out the whole piece. Don't get me wrong, the verses do conect in a way, however, with a good chorus and/or bridge, it would seem so much more like a whole.

[Fa-Q]

You were right, Zu...so I added a chorus

[mcZu]

I love the chorus. To me, now, it seems like one coherent piece. This is a keeper Fa-Q, a song with a lot of depth from different perspectives. Good job.

[Fa-Q]

Hey thanks a lot Zu