Memories

[mcZu]

I'm back with a poetic verse consisting of 5 stanzas. Enjoy. Feedback is appreciated as always.

Memory...
It’s a wonderful gift, with it the past is never the past
I remember last, we were under a hall, you tenderly smashed
A bottle by letting it slip, no wonder, it was December, the match
That I lit burned for a second or two, I wonder, never the last
I could see her ponder, I moved to the center and passed
The area that was sprinkled with glass, me and her gasped
I uttered out: ‘what’s that?’

While my knees bent..
To pick up something that made a deep dent in the tiles
I stood shocked for a while, while my knees lend
My upper thighs the strength to withstand the weak stance
Of a falling stand while I stand a tweaked-stand
Against the marble wall.. Marvelously tall, sharper is the call
Of her, looking at me with those dark colorful eyes
Almost charlatan like, the prologue to a wonderful night
Got flushed away under the dull light

My skull tightened..
At least, that’s how it felt.. I pulled, a titan
Is what it said, it was a message, why her? Is what I said
The air reeked from cult, wider in despair, it’s sad
What I meant, could be a form of life, paired with that
Compared to death it felt like it surpassed the gates of Satan’s garden
Blatant, harder, catered the author, we fell from Eden’s garden

She thought I’d already read her message
So my leverage fell with my cell when it had hit the ground
Astound, I stood, a pool of beverage around my left shoe
I was left mute, couldn’t utter anything from my vocabulary
I was left a dangler, unnecessary, no advisories in my Odyssey
I ought to flee, odd, I leaped, trusted in a gambler’s fallacy
So I was left falling through degrees, I remain, I fall, you see
I fall through my memories..

[dR3]

BRILLIANT piece of work there Zu.

The imagery in my head was constant, so you got that on lock from beginning to end.
Vocab is extraordinary for a person coming from a country where English isn't the mother tongue.

The most important thing is, it kept me interested throughout the whole thing.


Keep it up man, you never fail to impress me.

[mcZu]

I've got 2 questions and an observation.

1: How can her eyes be dark and colorful at the same time? It's not possible. That was poorly worded.
2: she looked at you charlatan-like? So her look was insinuating she knew more than she actually did? Or that she was crazy?

3: After reading this 3 times through, I can only come to the conclusion that you forced most of this. It seems like you were stuck in a writer's block and couldn't think of anything to write so you tried this. Honestly, 3/4th of it came out really bad. The last part saved it:

She thought I’d already read her message
So my leverage fell with my cell when it had hit the ground
Astound, I stood, a pool of beverage around my left shoe
I was left mute, couldn’t utter anything from my vocabulary
I was left a dangler, unnecessary, no advisories in my Odyssey
I ought to flee, odd, I leaped, trusted in a gambler’s fallacy
So I was left falling through degrees, I remain, I fall, you see
I fall through my memories..

That part was really good.. The whole thing with the imagery and the rhyming is good, as well. I wasn't impressed with the rest, though. As I said above, it seems forced and not very well thought out.

Dark and colorful, her dark eyes reflected certain things when I looked in her eyes. And yes, she knew more than she actually did. I don't know if it was forced or not, but you're right, I haven't wrote a verse for a while now. I actually came up with the first line and worked up a story around it. Thanks for the feedback.

BRILLIANT piece of work there Zu.

The imagery in my head was constant, so you got that on lock from beginning to end.
Vocab is extraordinary for a person coming from a country where English isn't the mother tongue.

The most important thing is, it kept me interested throughout the whole thing.


Keep it up man, you never fail to impress me.

Thank you for the kind words dR3, appreciate it.