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Just a few verses I ain't recorded yet

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Just a few verses I ain't recorded yet

Postby AfterLyfe207 » Oct 9th, '10, 18:10

don't get smacked smack sluts
smoke hash it'll calm you down
you don't need a guy like me around your town
the type of dude thats always violent
always wylin out singin songs about guns firein
manicly depressed insomniac not to fond of rats
wheres my money at I'll get it back soon as I swing the bat
fake a pass have the world shakin in my grasp
beggin for a second chance
but I wont give em that cuz im an asshole
I'm like a time bomb mentle set to up
I pop so many benzos I throw up on dumb sluts
beatin on there pussys till they drop dead
you should call the cops
cuz you wont get a chance after my 40 pops


everybody throw your cups up lets get fucked up
we'll gobble shrooms and smoke pot till the cops come
stash cocked guns blast em for fun
stack up the funds tell the world to look for cover and run
ha here I cum slut open your mouth stick up your bum
get the rum cunt I wanna get dumb before we fuck
cuz im on somethin else i dont know where its from or what
but it's makin my cock harder than rocks pass the blunt

clenched fist, steal gun,
fo fo in a death grip mind over matter
I splatta everyone,

rhymins never done,
even without any funds
I rip a rapper to pieces
n spawn a better one

why now am I under black clouds
wheres my sold out crowds
and my supposid love child

wheres the god I've always needed watchin over me
wheres everybody buyin up pot so they can smoke with me.

the only time he spoke to me I gobbles shrooms
in the bathroom stall at school talkin to my gym shoes

guess whos lost now, I lost out,
duck down or get hit in the mouth when i pop off
pow


cock the hammer back, I, rock out every track
I, pull with full force lay you on your face deaddd,
why cant I ever sleep at night, no matter how I try
I'm still, terrified, will I, live or die
I'm a monster in disguise, rip your mic away,
spread my wings and fly, I can't run,
but I can look back, gettin attacked,
from every directon sufferin bad,
now heres what I am, a piece of shit lit-er-ally
kill you in 3 seconds flat one man milliterry

:coffee:
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Image
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You got your weapon check You got your ammo check
You got the filthy slut pinup calender yes You got the food check
You got supplies check you got the trees so we can get high?

GOT TWITTER?
AFTERLYFE ON MYSPACE!?
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Re: Just a few verses I ain't recorded yet

Postby DƎRDYPK » Oct 9th, '10, 18:16

lol I only red half of that but O.O
is this old?
it's not the best, it's not the worst, but...
honestly everything I see from you looks the same
I can always expect a line about sluts, guns, etc
it'd be nice to see you switch it up

but then again you don't need to listen to me...
cause most my new raps are the same emo mumbo jumbo bullshit

Imma take a nap though
I was bout to log out till I seen you signed in :sweating:

ps: work on how you structure them rhymes
it's hard for me to read stuff that's all over the place :(
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Re: Just a few verses I ain't recorded yet

Postby AfterLyfe207 » Oct 9th, '10, 18:18

Good advice, but Mike.
You know it's hard for me to be random without my spinach.
Wheres that green at Killa!? :wub:
Image
Image
Image
You got your weapon check You got your ammo check
You got the filthy slut pinup calender yes You got the food check
You got supplies check you got the trees so we can get high?

GOT TWITTER?
AFTERLYFE ON MYSPACE!?
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Re: Just a few verses I ain't recorded yet

Postby Mr. Chambers » Oct 9th, '10, 18:21

link of feedback?
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so much WIN!
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Re: Just a few verses I ain't recorded yet

Postby AfterLyfe207 » Oct 9th, '10, 18:26

Sorry bout that but mike you aint supreme your corned cream watch out ya sperm fiend i got stds
Image
Image
Image
You got your weapon check You got your ammo check
You got the filthy slut pinup calender yes You got the food check
You got supplies check you got the trees so we can get high?

GOT TWITTER?
AFTERLYFE ON MYSPACE!?
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Re: Just a few verses I ain't recorded yet

Postby DƎRDYPK » Oct 9th, '10, 18:27

chambers wrote:link of feedback?


he barley comes to this forum
he has idea what the hell your talking about :sweating:

AfterLyfe207 wrote:Sorry bout that but mike you aint supreme your corned cream watch out ya sperm fiend i got stds


well that really busted my balls :(
peace though
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Re: Just a few verses I ain't recorded yet

Postby AfterLyfe207 » Oct 9th, '10, 20:04

I'm gonna start TRing it up again tho. Mike go over basic rules and shit with me so I don't end up offending somebody like always. :tounge2: :whistle:
Image
Image
Image
You got your weapon check You got your ammo check
You got the filthy slut pinup calender yes You got the food check
You got supplies check you got the trees so we can get high?

GOT TWITTER?
AFTERLYFE ON MYSPACE!?
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Joined: Oct 13th, '09, 19:58

Re: Just a few verses I ain't recorded yet

Postby Solace » Oct 9th, '10, 23:46

I read 1/4th of that honestly. Didn't like any of it. You have no good punchlines (if any were attempted), not even simple multies (2 at most from what I read), an iffy flow, generic lines that mean nothing, nothing about this was good.

And I guess saying what's bad about this piece isn't much feedback, right? Well, you should work on your structure, concepts and your rhymes. Play with the syllables man, or at least stop writing about poppin' off gats 'cause it's cool or something. Give the readers something from the heart that you read and you feel insanely proud of yourself for writing.

^I feel you'll probably think that I'm trying to diss your writing ability and think poorly of me but it's purely constructive. Hope you don't take offense. And, welcome back! :y:
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Re: Just a few verses I ain't recorded yet

Postby DƎRDYPK » Oct 9th, '10, 23:55

AfterLyfe207 wrote:Mike go over basic rules and shit with me so I don't end up offending somebody like always. :tounge2: :whistle:



viewtopic.php?f=24&t=99315

Guidelines for Audio Section/Creative Writing

&

viewtopic.php?f=29&t=6274

Guidelines for backstage

:sweating:

that's it basically
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