Fa-Q - Don't Follow The Woman In The Red Dress

[Fa-Q]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=100286 -- Feed

Golden locks of hair, every step, cowers the blind,
Thinking ways to entice, she empowers the mind,
She’s always hours ahead, the rest an hour behind,
Broken hearts on chalk boards, don’t sweep chalk,
Under the rugs, an’ no matter how much sweet talk,
There is, she’s still unhappy, no wonder the drugs,
Help her so, the sleeping pills, help her sleep walk,
And the red dress she wears, it is just a cicada shell,
Her reading the Bible and Koran, only made a hell,
She wears red because, she’s the rose and its thorns,
Her body is her ego, for it only grows when it warms,
Summer, she shows skin, but for reasons unknown,
She’s in boys’ lives, for she tease sons spun home,
Hurried tries, to try and catch those blue blurry skies,
That she like to, when you speak to her, flirty eyes,
But at night, she gives them a disease, of worried cries,

In her school girl outfit, she walks by her mass graves,
The hopeless looks in their eyes, but her ass saves,
As it pass, sways, of skirts, but her days loves flirts,
Ones that never felt her love, the pardoned lament,
Their hearts, stone, like Pharaoh’s hardened cement,
Never diurnal, she’s only nocturnal, her locked journal,
Has been locked for years, she compose the dawns,
After her adolescence, only then she rose the pawns,
She is neither pros or cons, nor is she crows or fawns,
And she knows the brains, and she knows the brawns,
We covet what we see, every day, excessive cupidity,
Her Miss Takes, as her kiss waits, in less, its stupidity,
At night, she works, and in daylight, she’s saving time,
Her mind could build pyramids, she’s enslaving mine,
She sees her next victim, for he’s the black stereotype,
The woman in red can’t resist, the black berry so ripe,

Her laugh, with this man, it mimics a child’s laughter,
But a while after, its exposed as just her fake smile,
She taps her five inch heels, on the snow flake tile,
On his back, she wraps feet, and attaches her legs,
He lays his, but nine months later, she hatches her eggs,
Eighteen year trap, he’s paying bottle to twelfth grade,
And calls herself independent, and says she’s self made,
I feel like I’m a missionary, for as I’m warning cultures,
She’s breaking up with a poor sap, now swarming vultures,
Surround her every move, like she’s a walking feast,
When she enters the room, still, the talking ceased,
But the man doesn’t know he chases a stalking beast,
He boasts his bread inflated, as if he’s mocking yeast,
Looks like the woman in the red dress, strikes again,
The serpent disguised, let’s see if he likes the sin,

[Stavros]

I don't feel like the topic was wide enough, felt kind of repetitive after the second verse. Pretty good rhyming and structure just I felt like 2 verses could have got the job done. Good deep subject though, originality prevails.

[Fa-Q]

Thanks Stavros, I know what you mean...the third verse isn't very conclusive

[Block]

Sigh... Why do you people continue to force poeticism? You have some amazing ideas with no clue how to connect them or how to make them work together. You become very redundant in what you say because you don't expand your mind while writing. By that, I mean that you focus soley on the subject and it's concrete to you. Then you focus on trying to line up your multies. Your multies are only important AFTER you say what you gotta say. The best advice I can give you? Write down what you want to say in a verse, kind like how you would outline an essay for school. After that, take what you wrote and make it rhyme. THEN go back and turn those rhymes into multies and change words to add inner multies, etc. Your problem is the fact you're just rambling on and nothing connects.

Of course, my advice isn't concrete and it doesn't have to be done exactly that way... I don't write like that, but that's the only way I can describe the process to better yourself.

Seriously, you piss me off so bad because you have great ideas and you ruin them. When I was talking ish to you before, it wasn't because I dislike you; It was to try to get you to write better. I'm aware we all have our own styles, but I can see where you really have potential to grow and you're not utilizing it.


With that said, you should drop this free-writing bullshit and try to write to an instrumental. Start with something simple, like an jedi mind's beat. It will give you a good start and know where to place rhymes.

[Fa-Q]

ok??

[Block]

You ruin good ideas with predictable multies and terrible rhyme structure.

[Fa-Q]

You ruin good ideas with predictable multies and terrible rhyme structure.

Ok, one man's opinion

[Xray]

That was INSANE dude. The wording was dope as fuck. The flow was nice and I loved your metaphors. Your rhyming structure was NEAT. This is definitely the best I've seen from you. The concept was dope as hell. The meaning behind the song is even better. Very clever.

[Fa-Q]

Thank you XRAY

[Fa-Q]

bump