One For The Birds

[classthe_king]

http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=112196&p=1598081#p1598081
This is the finished verse from the last competition

As I stare at ya photograph my heart is now an open gash
And then my frozen past is thawed by your molten ash
My bliss is shattered and I’m battered by the broken glass
I try to float n’ last but I know I can’t even hope to splash
In your ocean’s wrath so my only hope is drowning again
Because your hands around my throat won’t allow me to swim
I start doubting again as I’m broken in the sinners clutch
I begin to wither up; I’m frozen by the winters touch
Maybe this is luck as I’m just floatin on another wing
Dancin in the summer breeze, hangin from your puppet strings
How can angels fly with broken hearts and clustered dreams?
Filled with pain and suffering but that’s just what your love‘ll bring
Then your smile sends me falling down the cavern’s depths
So when you dance I hear the echo of your scattered steps
Your vicious claws rip the heart out of my haggard chest
As the crows pick apart the pieces of my tattered flesh

[ArsheyHaq]

I'm not really a fan of poetic rap, but this had some good imagery but looks like you've got a pretty good grasp on rhyming, and use of vocab. I don't really know what to make of this piece good heartbreak verse, I guess..but it's such a downer lol I had a few lines I liked though:

"In your ocean’s wrath so my only hope is drowning again
Because your hands around my throat won’t allow me to swim"

and

"Your vicious claws rip the heart out of my haggard chest
As the crows pick apart the pieces of my tattered flesh"

just wow, to those lines

Again, I don't really know what else to say since most of the material is *whoosh* right over my head haha

[classthe_king]

Haha thanks for checkin it out man, appreciate it

[classthe_king]

buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuump

[classthe_king]

Yeah I record some of my stuff, not this one yet though.