Xxplosive

[WakeUpShow]

INSTRUMENTAL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP4BoyAx_SM

I'm married to logic and I'm fondlin' reason
The only reason you're crackin is cause you're gobblin seamen
This girl said it's a downer when my meat's not upper
I said it's an upper to go downer freeze pop shover
The same girl tossed my salad so I made her onion cry
I gave her a healthy nut, she had my pickle runnin' dry
Xxplosive with a pen and a pad, ducking verse shrapnel
Your style's gayer than European fucking purse satchel
Have you hyperventilating, taking breath lessons
I'll predicate your fate and subject you to a death sentence



http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=113962&p=1632061#p1632061

[classthe_king]

I'm married to logic and I'm fondlin' reason
The only reason you're crackin is cause you're gobblin seamen

I really don't like the use of the word reason twice that close to eachother. The punchline concept is sick, I would try to work on it more though, I don't know how many rappers brag about being crackin.

This girl said it's a downer when my meat's not upper
I said it's an upper to go downer freeze pop shover

This just sounds awkward to me with the word placement, "downer freeze pop shover", I guess I don't get it

The same girl tossed my salad so I made her onion cry
I gave her a healthy nut, she had my pickle runnin' dry

Good job of trying to come up with words that are connected, I don't know how common those uses of onion and pickle are though.

Xxplosive with a pen and a pad, ducking verse shrapnel
Your style's gayer than European fucking purse satchel

Pretty decent filler bar

Have you hyperventilating, taking breath lessons
I'll predicate your fate and subject you to a death sentence

Like I said before, this is an alright punchline, maybe there's more to it that I don't get.[/quote]

[Atone]

I laughed at every line, in a good way tho, cuz this shit was funny, but good at the same time, but you did use alot of the same words close to each other, don't do that to much, other than that, this was real good.

[WakeUpShow]

.......I'm tired of saying bump...oh shit.

[Ka0t1c]

The same girl tossed my salad so I made her onion cry
I gave her a healthy nut, she had my pickle runnin' dry

best part


and don't you mean up her, then upper?

worst part

I said it's an upper to go downer freeze pop shove

wtf???


also reason and reason, i get it, sounds fine with me

wtf is crackin? i didn't get that

it's very good, just needs some rewriting and minor adjustments imo

[gutawafang]

Good read man!

I enjoyed the multis and the vocabulary especially. vocab is good. good job.

[classthe_king]

.......I'm tired of saying bump...oh shit.

Maybe if you actually awknowledged the people who fed you instead of just saying bump then people would feed you more

[WakeUpShow]

oh shit i completely forgot to respond back my bad, i was swamped with homework and shit. i'll comment on your feedback when I get home.

[WakeUpShow]

I'm married to logic and I'm fondlin' reason
The only reason you're crackin is cause you're gobblin seamen

I really don't like the use of the word reason twice that close to eachother. The punchline concept is sick, I would try to work on it more though, I don't know how many rappers brag about being crackin.

This girl said it's a downer when my meat's not upper
I said it's an upper to go downer freeze pop shover

This just sounds awkward to me with the word placement, "downer freeze pop shover", I guess I don't get it

The same girl tossed my salad so I made her onion cry
I gave her a healthy nut, she had my pickle runnin' dry

Good job of trying to come up with words that are connected, I don't know how common those uses of onion and pickle are though.

Xxplosive with a pen and a pad, ducking verse shrapnel
Your style's gayer than European fucking purse satchel

Pretty decent filler bar

Have you hyperventilating, taking breath lessons
I'll predicate your fate and subject you to a death sentence

Like I said before, this is an alright punchline, maybe there's more to it that I don't get.

[/quote]
The double use of reason was on purpose, and "Crackin" is like "ill", and old rap term. "freeze pop shover" was a forced rhyme, but i just wanted to use the upper/downer wordplay on the 2 lines. I said that onion cry line because onions are associated with crying of course and i just think it makes sense lol, and pickle dry because of course pickles are wet. And the last punch isn't anything deeper than subject/predicate/sentence. Thanks for the feed man, sorry about not responding back earlier.

[WakeUpShow]

bump..

[ArsheyHaq]

This was slightly short (like a lot of your other work has been recently), but you packed a lot of quality writing into it

"This girl said it's a downer when my meat's not upper
I said it's an upper to go downer freeze pop shover
The same girl tossed my salad so I made her onion cry
I gave her a healthy nut, she had my pickle runnin' dry"

Like Class, I wasn't exactly sure what you meant by "freeze pop shover"... I think you should have words in parenthesis if you have double meanings like:

"This girl said it's a downer when my meat's not upper (up her)"

It would help the reader catch on a bit quicker. Anyway, the wordplay in just those lines is remarkably creative. Awesome job, man!