Destined For Greatness

[ArsheyHaq]

I tried to keep the same rhyme scheme throughout hehe

I have a confession to make, never had exceptional grades/
cuz in class it's like my brain rests in hiatus/
has me testin' my patience, perplexed by all the questions and statements/
at this rate my fate will probably be to replace some restaurant waitress/
but I keep tellin' myself that I'm destined for greatness/
my pay grade will raise eight decimal places/
and I'll no longer have to estimate payments/
just hand out checks that are blank, cuz/
I'll be the best in the game, blessed with the brains to provide some fresh entertainment/
I'm on a quest to be famous/
'till my name is checked as a guest on the 'A-List'/
performin' at congressional banquets/
in sweats and a tank top, dressin' like gangstas/
pants so low I leave my testicles hangin', accessible for when I request any dame/
to flash her breasts in my frame and for sex in the anus/
livin' this way 'till the day that I cave to the pressures of fame, cuz/
success is a profession that's dangerous/
the impression is my depression would lessen in pain, but/
it just makes me even more excessively anxious/
aggressively angry 'till I'm arrested for heinous/
acts such as domestic complaints and owin' so many debts that it bankrupts/
yeah, a self-confessed ignoramous/
and cuz of the press my prestige is tainted/
yes, I can't wait, kids!/

I re-posted this cuz it got locked last time, due to no feedback link, so sorry to whoever has already read it

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=113508

[Maybe]

The concept was amusing, the flow was spectacular, and the lyrics were fun. Your grasp of multies is phenomenal, and you use them nearly flawlessly.

Best part:

livin' this way 'till the day that I cave to the pressures of fame, cuz/
success is a profession that's dangerous/
the impression is my depression would lessen in pain, but/
it just makes me even more excessively anxious/
aggressively angry 'till I'm arrested for heinous/
acts such as domestic complaints and owin' so many debts that it bankrupts/

Impressive stuff man, this is the best I've seen from you.

[WakeUpShow]

This is proof that you're one of the top writers on this board. WOW sums it. The insane rhyming had my mind spinning. rhymes were everywhere! lol. Plus i really loved how you changed the theme from positive thinking and the greatness of fame to the pitfalls of stardom and negative thinking. Great shit man!

[Atone]

This was amazing, almost reminds me of Stimulate by Eminem

[Block]

I agree with most everything Maybe has already said. You're most def. knowledgeable in multies and even keeping one central theme. A lot of writers can't seem to keep one theme throughout a song. It's good to see that.

The subject was ehh. I mean, I've seen it before but it was done well. A few lines seemed to be kinda choppy, but it could be just how I'm reading it. Text doesn't translate a flow very well in a lot of cases.

Overall, this was a nice refreshment in the midst of a lot of bland topics (no offense to anyone).


If you'd be so kind as to RTF on the Coleon / Faux Pas feat. It'd be appreciated, man.

[ArsheyHaq]

Thanks, everyone, for the feed. I really appreciate it, especially when it comes from top writers such as yourselves. It just means more

I've been seeing a lot of comments about my expertise in multies. I think it's becoming a bit of a niche of mine to try and write a whole rap using the same rhyme. I feel it's more challenging that way.

Cosh
"A few lines seemed to be kinda choppy, but it could be just how I'm reading it."
Can you pinpoint exactly where? If you have time.. Nothing personal, just that was the only constructive criticism I received so I wanna know how I can improve.

[classthe_king]

Sorry I haven't fed you yet lol, I went through my period of feeding tons of people all the time but I'm really busy now so I only feed my friends or anyone that pms me.

I think the main problem in your verse not in the verse itself but with how you portrayed it. I think that Cosh thought some lines were out of place because some times you put two lines in one line (or half a line in one line, idk how you're flowing it). The flow also seemed to have too many syllables in some spots, like...

at this rate my fate will probably be to replace some restaurant waitress/

pants so low I leave my testicles hangin', accessible for when I request any dame/

acts such as domestic complaints and owin' so many debts that it bankrupts

Now like I said earlier, if you flow it slow and smoothly then it works perfectly, which is what I think you were doing, but if you were intending that to be one line like you made it in this then you would have to speed up the flow tremendously and it would become really awkward.

The best advice I can give you is to write to beats as much as possible (if you don't already) and as you are writing the verse to continually rap the verse along with the beat as you add each line. This will help your flow a lot and it will help you develop a natural flow in your head so that you don't have to think as much, it will just come freely.

The only other thing I have is to be carefull with your syllable count in multis. I used to be really picky about that because I thought all multis had to rhyme perfectly but they don't if you flow them correctly, just be carefull.

The only reason I gave you this much feed is because you're a very talented writer, better than most people I've read on here, and have a lot of potential. Keep working at it and try to get some recording equipment if you can.

[ArsheyHaq]

Wow, thanks Class. That was a lot of advice and I appreciate all of it. It is supposed to be rapped slowly and this line:

"at this rate my fate will probably be to replace some restaurant waitress/"

is a bit long, but I added some assonance to it so it would flow better (I bolded them) Idk, if that helps to make it more smooth for the reader or not..?

And yeah, I am at the point where I believe multies should rhyme perfectly, but it's probably because I've never recorded anything in my life...everything I do is written. But thanks so much for your input. I'll put forth a lot of it in my newer stuff. AND

The only reason I gave you this much feed is because you're a very talented writer, better than most people I've read on here, and have a lot of potential.

^^^^that means so much coming from a pro like you haha^^^^

[ThomasAguanis]

Now this is what I like to see on here. I've always been a fan of multis, and you used them very well in this piece. I enjoyed the overall concept too, it was done very well. I won't really comment on the flow, because as others have said, flow in text differs from reader to reader. I'm not sure I would advise trying to use the same multi scheme for a whole verse though. It works sometimes, but a lot of times it feels stretched and overdone. I know from experience. It does work at times though, and if done well it can be astounding. A few lines in here seemed a bit forced, but not to the point where it affected the verse. Given the concept of the verse, it actually helped it. Be careful to avoid making lines seem too forced. I know it's hard at times though, especially when you have 3/4th of a verse written and only so many schemes to use. Other than that, there's not much more to say. This is a solid verse and you did an amazing job on it. There are few members on this site that can use multis this well. It would be interesting to hear this recorded one day.

[ArsheyHaq]

Thanks, Thomas. That was a lott of feedback, and I'm thankful you took the time out to write that much for lil' ol' me your advice won't go unused. I fed your piece as well, and quite frankly I found it remarkable so all the compliments from you mean 10 folds more because you actually know what you're talking about.