World Play (16 Lines)

[Sam.]

Was bored, made a huge number of wordplay and I did this, lmao

Mush rooms when i'm high like slippery mountains
Walking with a chainsaw, fearlessly injuring thousands
With a girl in the jungle while she's sitting with the "bitter pea"
Grabbed her in her pussy while thinking "this is victory!"
Leave her, buy another girl with cash for her co-lease
She asked me to buy her a crib I said "Ho-pe-less"
I don't make Reg gay music I rap for the nation
I ain't Jamaican but I surely Jam like i'm Akon
Never fear to say anything, i'm just a pioneer
Fearless enough to get high, punch and Pie O'Neal
I teach people how to do things right but this isn't conscious rap
Last time they smoked weed, they went unconscious, man
I'm a menace-in deed of Satan, a killah bee
Genuine piece of psych, blatant hidden villian, see
I'm spreading in-flu-in Sarah Marshall to spread a disease
Bird flu's the original G, these pigs are failing mini-me's

http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic. ... 7#p1652357

yeah ! good shit .
But.......
I see there is a lot of focus on the wordplay that the lines that i underlined actually made me go mehh (not to that extreme level tho).
okay that was the criticism
it's obvious that that lines in the bold were the one's that stood out and i liked the very much

She asked me to buy her a crib I said "Ho-pe-less"

this was really dope man.
and unnhh (too much stress on the coffee yo ! )
dont force multis man it pisses me the fuck off , u know where you did that .
and lastly keep writing and practicing .

[ArsheyHaq]

you have gotten a lottt better your rate of improvement was really quick too! In no time you'll be one of the best on this site, for sure.

I agree with some of the others, your multies do seem a little forced, but whatever. That's how you learn, and you're definitely learning a lot I like your meta's; clever stuff. This was the dopest, just the way you said it:

'She asked me to buy her a crib I said "Ho-pe-less"'

Haha good work. I'll be lookin' for more of your work, for sure.

[Maybe]

You've improved immensly, but you're lacking some multi-syllables that would only improve your punches. Your flow seems flawed, but I can't critique it since I don't know whether this was written to a beat or not. The lyrics themselves are pretty good, and some of the lines are really clever.

My personal favorite is:

Never fear to say anything, i'm just a pioneer
Fearless enough to get high, punch and Pie O'Neal

That's a perfect example of the type of rhyming that would improve your style a ton.

JUST a PI-O-NEER
PUNCH and PIE O-NEAL

That line, and most of the second half of the verse was executed very well.

You're definitely on your way, man. Keep this up.