Mahmoud my silly life

by **Mahmoud48** » Jun 24th, '11, 23:05

Feedbk: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=116342

So this is a day in the life of Mahmoud
UH wake up and go to the bathroom
with my wood sticking out like a damn broom
and my balls looking drier then the moon
i take a shower and clean myself
and get a towel from the top shelf
once im dry i put on my cloths
and comb my hair so it doesnt unfold
into a mess cuz im trying to impress
getting dressed and making sure im fly
once im done i go to the mall
have a ball and eat till i fall
once im done i go to the bathroom
not to dress but to take a shit
cuz what i ate made my stomach ache
and now i gotta menstruate from my butt
in other words im taking a mean shit
but its all good cuz i got toilet paper so quit
asking if i need more..but it was the rough kind
so my butt was very sore
i couldn't take it anymore
so i want home and brushed my teeth
so i can have a good sleep
when i wake up i wanna do it again
because thats my life of Mahmoud

by **ArsheyHaq** » Jun 26th, '11, 02:56

Umm lol this was a keystyle, right? It didn't really seem like you were trying at all. Whatever, I did like one line of yours:

"and now i gotta menstruate from my butt
in other words im taking a mean shit"

lmao, good metaphor!

And eh wth, this line made me laugh too:

"UH wake up and go to the bathroom
with my wood sticking out like a damn broom"

If you had more lines like those throughout your rap, and actually had some sort of topic it would've been pretty dope :y:

by **Mahmoud48** » Jun 26th, '11, 03:01

ArsheyHaq wrote:Umm lol this was a keystyle, right? It didn't really seem like you were trying at all. Whatever, I did like one line of yours:

"and now i gotta menstruate from my butt
in other words im taking a mean shit"

lmao, good metaphor!

And eh wth, this line made me laugh too:

"UH wake up and go to the bathroom
with my wood sticking out like a damn broom"

If you had more lines like those throughout your rap, and actually had some sort of topic it would've been pretty dope

lol ya i was just fucking around but thanks for the feedbk :y:

by **VenomBlackViper** » Jun 27th, '11, 08:34

Yo Mahmoud what was that one piece where you said "you can't walk on me i'm not toast" ? :laughing:

EDIT: This piece was funny, I don't take you seriously as a rapper but I lol'd.

by **Enimee** » Jun 27th, '11, 12:57

for what it is i guess it aint half bad, your lines def were too short like geno said though and you didnt really make any effort to say anything above par, you gotta find more descriptive words to explain stuff and if you wanna be funny then you have to incorporate things people could relate too and say "lol i do that shit all the time" those kinda of things, a piece like this, i mean given your intent , should really show you what you need to work on, and you have alot...just practice writing smaller verses but more intense and better quality, look around read up on some of the aspects of writing that other people use and try throwing them into your next piece