Inner Struggle

[JamaicanPattlez]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=118267

Alright, to start off, I've only been writing for 7 months, so I'm pretty bad. I came here for some help, so I can improve (No other way to improve, right?) and better myself lyrically and mentally. I really need the help, lol.


I'm trying to hold my own, trying to reach my own throne,
But why do I try when I can't reach my own zone,
Can't think of decent rhymes all I got weak lines,
And sometimes I wonder why I even fuckin' waste my time,
I think it's cause I'm broke and I ain't got nothin' left,
And if I can't succeed in this, then my life is fuckin' wrecked,
Imagine a dude sitting in his room carving his life,
You think his shit's so crude and lewd, it's just giving you gripe
Meanwhile, he thinks his shit's the dopest thing ever,
He's senile, but he's still the most focused thing, whether,
Nobody likes his material, but he's still got dreams,
He knows he's clearly ill, but his rhymes ain't clean,
And all he does it sit and think about moving the crowd,
While his motherfuckin' father's now screaming so loud,
Picturing his dream that his old man thought was so obscene,
When all he was trying to do was make his mother more proud.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Bump.

[Chet Starr]

Ur not bad, there is no way to express yourself and for it to turn out bad. just technically your bad, which I am too, hell my rhymes are horrid

Just take it slow. Start putting more and more internal rhymes into your stuff.& read the dictionary, and keep adding new words to your writing. Instead of using the same ol words.

& practice practice practice, its the key way to improve.

With that said, I like the piece you wrote. No strong rhyming or anything, but I like the content

[JamaicanPattlez]

Ur not bad, there is no way to express yourself and for it to turn out bad. just technically your bad, which I am too, hell my rhymes are horrid

Just take it slow. Start putting more and more internal rhymes into your stuff.& read the dictionary, and keep adding new words to your writing. Instead of using the same ol words.

& practice practice practice, its the key way to improve.

With that said, I like the piece you wrote. No strong rhyming or anything, but I like the content

Thanks! I appreciate the feedback, I was wondering about the internal rhyming. I'm actually very serious about becoming the top emcee in my city (all my local rappers suck, the best one's some dude named Young Kidd, and it's all over the same stuff in my opinion) and making it. I'm gonna get to practicing.

[Chet Starr]

No problem dude, I should practice some too

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thing with me is, I have a mad case of the writer's block at times. Right now I don't write often, but I'm becoming addicted.