some new guy on TR

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

hey i just started writing this piece and was wondering what yall would think of it.
any type of feed back at all would be great. its been a head ache to write but i impressed my self doing it.

This is the inception of a lyrical masterpiece
Bliss is your perception and the rapture doesn't cease
An abyss of perfection, you stagger to the grammar released
You risk an erection now, the factors to fap yours increase pow!
I flip the flow and you go crazy like hoe when she sees a dick
I equip a condom it's a problem, daintiness is a blossom, you gone wheeze like the chick
I nip the despite with delight, it only ignites what i write, it's a tease lick a lick
I rip flows bombastic they're gymnastic. how? easy they're elastic, can't freeze and can't crick, kowtow

Feedback please

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=120560&p=1712123#p1712123

[Ka0t1c]

This is the inception of a lyrical masterpiece
Bliss is your perception and the rapture doesn't cease
An abyss of perfection, you stagger to the grammar released
You risk an erection now, the factors to fap yours increase pow!

honestly, everything after that seemed like you got sloppy and careless, it lost maturity right away, however thoswe lines you wrote up there were pretty good up until you say the word fap

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

This is the inception of a lyrical masterpiece
Bliss is your perception and the rapture doesn't cease
An abyss of perfection, you stagger to the grammar released
You risk an erection now, the factors to fap yours increase pow!

honestly, everything after that seemed like you got sloppy and careless, it lost maturity right away, however thoswe lines you wrote up there were pretty good up until you say the word fap

i see why you say it got sloppy. but im trying to stay away from the generic flows. after the first 4 bars i plan to change the beat to be faster paced and put true meaning to the last line and the pow!
and i was trying to put a little humor in it. i always thought the word fap was funny lol maybe too outta place for the piece?
thanks for the feed

[ArsheyHaq]

Hm, by the looks of this I would say you've been writing for a while, but you're still sort of new to it. You know how to utilize flow, assonance, and mutlies. That's a good sign, but you need to keep working at it I can see you being really good in the near future if you continue to learn and pursue. At this point, though, it seems like you're saying rhymes just cuz they rhyme. That is a good way to grasp rhyming a little better, but challenge yourself more with that by actually saying more with your rhymes. At this point, I agree with everything Ka0t1c said. Keep posting, and I'll keep reading

[mdemaz]

Epic way to introduce yourself man, welcome.

[DƎRDYPK]

Epic way to introduce yourself man, welcome.

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

Hm, by the looks of this I would say you've been writing for a while, but you're still sort of new to it. You know how to utilize flow, assonance, and mutlies. That's a good sign, but you need to keep working at it I can see you being really good in the near future if you continue to learn and pursue. At this point, though, it seems like you're saying rhymes just cuz they rhyme. That is a good way to grasp rhyming a little better, but challenge yourself more with that by actually saying more with your rhymes. At this point, I agree with everything Ka0t1c said. Keep posting, and I'll keep reading

yeah ive done a little before this. but nothing near this complex in rhyme scheme. im gonna turn this around for yall tho with the next 8 bars i promise. this so for is just bragging lol. thanks for the feed

Epic way to introduce yourself man, welcome.

thank you!