Ripped to Shreds

[WakeUpShow]

thanks for the feedback man

[WakeUpShow]

bump...

[SliK]

I'll tell it to you straight, before supplyin' beatings
While you giggle under your breath, like Hawaiian greetings [get it?]
Guerilla warfare with banana clips and monkey wrenches
You know I only fuck with crazy chicks and funky wenches
I guess being door-key opens lots of doors
So you won't hear me say I snorted coke or shot a whore
I'm not a G so you'll never hear the tech clap
But I give a girl my best dick, you give a girl your best fap
Go to the smilies, third row down and third stop in
That's the face you made when you heard cosh spit
I could run the earths distance without a second to waste
I'll let you live for the sole purpose of staring death in the face

http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=119697

I liked it mate, good to see multies being used that aren't forced.

I like the line about Guerilla Warefare, bananaa clips and MONKEY WRENCHES. I was fully expecting the banana clips line cos it popped into my head after the Guerilla Warfare bit, but then when I read monkey wrenches I actually broke a smile. Good line.

The only thing I can say as kind of constructive critism (which I believe is important and I'm not saying anything disrespectful) is this: I really like the Hawaiin Greetings punchline (I must admit I had to read the explanation ), but it is kind of out of place. Why are they giggling under their breath when you're insulting them and about to supply a beating. I think that's one I would have tried to save for a different piece, or worked it in better. Same with the monkey wrenches/funky wenches bit, good line and funny but a bit out of place. Like lil Wayne

Other than that I enjoyed it. Easily a solid 7.

[VenomBlackViper]

First off if it wasn't obvious already you've stepped up your writing greatly over the past few months.
Your rhyming & flow has gotten alot better as have your punchline concepts. My favorites on this piece were:

"Guerilla warfare with banana clips and monkey wrenches"

and

"I could run the earths distance without a second to waste
I'll let you live for the sole purpose of staring death in the face"

Also this line

"Go to the smilies, third row down and third stop in
That's the face you made when you heard cosh spit"

was so fucking innovative, I cannot commend you enough for this line. It's so ill & different from a normal punchline.

Not the follow up line to your guerrilla warfare line

"You know I only fuck with crazy chicks and funky wenches"

was pretty weak & obvious filler, filler is fine in some cases but it should be better than that though. Also you kinda contradicted yourself on "I'm not a G so you'll never hear the tech clap" after talking about banana clips & such the line made no sense & kinda brought the piece down.

However overall the dope lines outweighed the wack ones & you're improving alot lately. Good shit brah.

[WakeUpShow]

I'll tell it to you straight, before supplyin' beatings
While you giggle under your breath, like Hawaiian greetings [get it?]
Guerilla warfare with banana clips and monkey wrenches
You know I only fuck with crazy chicks and funky wenches
I guess being door-key opens lots of doors
So you won't hear me say I snorted coke or shot a whore
I'm not a G so you'll never hear the tech clap
But I give a girl my best dick, you give a girl your best fap
Go to the smilies, third row down and third stop in
That's the face you made when you heard cosh spit
I could run the earths distance without a second to waste
I'll let you live for the sole purpose of staring death in the face

http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=119697

I liked it mate, good to see multies being used that aren't forced.

I like the line about Guerilla Warefare, bananaa clips and MONKEY WRENCHES. I was fully expecting the banana clips line cos it popped into my head after the Guerilla Warfare bit, but then when I read monkey wrenches I actually broke a smile. Good line.

The only thing I can say as kind of constructive critism (which I believe is important and I'm not saying anything disrespectful) is this: I really like the Hawaiin Greetings punchline (I must admit I had to read the explanation ), but it is kind of out of place. Why are they giggling under their breath when you're insulting them and about to supply a beating. I think that's one I would have tried to save for a different piece, or worked it in better. Same with the monkey wrenches/funky wenches bit, good line and funny but a bit out of place. Like lil Wayne

Other than that I enjoyed it. Easily a solid 7.

i meant to say i speak my mind straight up, while others giggle under their breath not like right after I told it to their face. thanks alot for the feedback man, I appreciate it

First off if it wasn't obvious already you've stepped up your writing greatly over the past few months.
Your rhyming & flow has gotten alot better as have your punchline concepts. My favorites on this piece were:

"Guerilla warfare with banana clips and monkey wrenches"

and

"I could run the earths distance without a second to waste
I'll let you live for the sole purpose of staring death in the face"

Also this line

"Go to the smilies, third row down and third stop in
That's the face you made when you heard cosh spit"

was so fucking innovative, I cannot commend you enough for this line. It's so ill & different from a normal punchline.

Not the follow up line to your guerrilla warfare line

"You know I only fuck with crazy chicks and funky wenches"

was pretty weak & obvious filler, filler is fine in some cases but it should be better than that though. Also you kinda contradicted yourself on "I'm not a G so you'll never hear the tech clap" after talking about banana clips & such the line made no sense & kinda brought the piece down.

However overall the dope lines outweighed the wack ones & you're improving alot lately. Good shit brah.

stop your making me blush hahah jk but thanks alot man, i like to hear what other writers think

[classthe_king]

Aight, your rhyming is much better, the rhymes sounded great and were smooth. Lyrics were pretty good but that smilie thing was wack and I don't get the Hawaiian line but the dorky line was pretty nice. Flow was still off a lot but you might be able to make it work, idk. Keep getting better though.

[WakeUpShow]

thanks for the feed. the hawaiian thing = a-low-ha

[Eedee]

HOLY SHIT!!!!

That A-Low-Ha line. HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD!

That shit was CLEVER!!! WOW!

You sir, are awesome.

Feed me back (it's a serious verse). Thanks! viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122046

[JamaicanPattlez]

Funny thing, I heard the same sort of punchline in an episode of Good Luck Charlie a few days ago.

You saw that too!?

On the real though, really liked this piece! Good work!

[WakeUpShow]

how did the line go?