Take a Breath

[Man1x]

Feed Link: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122495&p=1726474#p1726474

Take a Breath:

Come on now, relax in this short life
Cause we will all one day surely die
The poor cry, sour lies spread dismay
Some dread this cage, steady this stage
Wish we could miss the fray, our pain remains today
Fading in and out of depression, see slain, decay
I don't see a brighter day in sight
But watch my facial expressions of sinful fright
Cause in cruel fights we pave the way for a better world
Watch my crew set their score, for the pain we can bairly store
We want no more, time to end this dispute
I know we missed the loot, but my senses of danger are acute
Shoot for the moon, shake this depth
Cause we all just need to take a breath.


Feedback would be great.

[Man1x]

I need to work on multis then, any advice for that? And I bent the world with an accent but I don't have one.

[Man1x]

Thanks, I'll work on it.

[Matt Holck]

love the quick mixed rhyme drops skipping lines like hopscotch

I see the use of a lot of abstract words
as opposed to physical descriptions


dismay
see in sight
sinful fright
cruel fights
the pain

[Man1x]

Thanks, ya I know this one is crap. Do you mind giving me feed on my new piece?
http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122680

[FlintSpark]

I was kind of thrown off by the rhyming until you said you like to accent it. Seemed a little too simplistic to me, probably cause of all the one syllables like geno said, but idk theirs something about it. Part two definitely has the upper hand.