First verse I have written

[Mr.DGAF]

Okay, so for about a week I've been tinkering with a verse that I thought of. The theme is the film 'A Nightmare on Elm Street'. I know some things are off, I'm still working on smoothly transitioning from one rhyme scheme to another. But I just wanted to see if I was heading in the right direction.

Also, it's to the beat of 'Till I Collapse, if that helps at all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0IjKeb4Xq4

You close your eyes a wink and then you drift and go to sleep
Your mind starts going blank so then your soul I can then keep
They thought that I was gone but around I can still creep
Time they thought they bought but now they die in their sleep
Trust your parents they will weep and I am a nightmare
You’re sleepless so you tussle but this is no night terror
My rules aren’t quite fair, but you just sit and stay right there
You look a little different is that gray inside your hair?
I know you’re thinking if or when I leave he’ll still there
You think too much girl just settle down and I won’t freak
I attack you when you’re weak, around the corners you will peak
You think you got away but now it’s torture with technique
Get away and stay awake, but the former is unique
And the latter will not matter cause wait stop with all this chatter
Your talking is off-putting and it’s getting rather boring
But maybe if you wake you can live to see the morning

Feed: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122445

[Suicide]

You close your eyes a wink and then you drift and go to sleep
Your mind starts going blank so then your soul I can then keep
They thought that I was gone but around I can still creep
Time they thought they bought but now they die in their sleep

Thought they bought? Didn't understand that. Bought what? Simple rhymes and you used sleep twice.

You’re sleepless so you tussle but this is no night terror
My rules aren’t quite fair, but you just sit and stay right there
You look a little different is that gray inside your hair?
I know you’re thinking if or when I leave he’ll be still there

Used there twice. Comes across as sloppy. You need to maybe change the rhyme every 2 lines, so you don't have to reuse a previous rhyme. Also editted in a be, because without that it just comes across as weird.

But, it was good for a first piece. Just focus on throwing in more rhymes.

Favorite line was this:

Your talking is off-putting and it’s getting rather boring
But maybe if you wake you can live to see the morning

[Mr.DGAF]

First off, thanks so much for the feedback. It means a lot and I'll try and improve on the things you didn't like.

Thought they bought? Didn't understand that. Bought what? Simple rhymes and you used sleep twice.

It was supposed to be interpreted as they thought they bought time. By killing him, and what not. But if it wasn't obvious then I'll have to restructure that line.

Used there twice. Comes across as sloppy. You need to maybe change the rhyme every 2 lines, so you don't have to reuse a previous rhyme. Also editted in a be, because without that it just comes across as weird.

You're definitely right on that one. The 'be' was in the original verse I wrote, must have slipped it's way out on the final draft. And yeah, I didn't even realise I had used there to rhyme twice. Again a slip up for an apparent first time writer.

I'm definitely gonna work on dropping more internals and multi-syllable rhyming in there, but since I tried a topic piece, it didn't turn out how I hoped. So thanks a lot for the feed man, I'll try and fix some stuff for my next piece.