Warning Shot

[Man1x]

Feed: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=123705&p=1738077#p1738077

[Intro]

Alright, just to let you know..... I'm starting this shit, and I will finish it.... HERE WE GO!........

[Verse]

Man, why you gotta put sexy women as your avatar? Do you feel insecure?
Also, I know you have the answer: How much it cost to eat with cheep whores?
Cause, homie we know you never got past second base? So, what I need your feed for?
Your rhymes suck, it's ight it goes in relation with how I'll explode your head like C4.
You one of those people that never grow up? I can picture you playing in tree forts
I'll tell you of my creed core, I goes something like, you shut the fuck up and you be okay
However, you go against that simple code and you will end out in the sea, cold fate
So here's a warning, bro. Pray like your signature cause with this AK I can unfold your future
Hope you miss me on the freeway, cause with my stone cold P4, I'll become a shooter.
I'll turn your beach house into body shore, fo' sho' bro, your family dead will be...cuter
Don't you think so? Either way, the next step is to open your house to looters
And when you come back from hooters, you'll stumble in a empty house decorated in blood
Realizing you have lost everything, I'll check for dated flint, cunt
Cause with it your dim hut will come burning down to the fucking ground with all your dreams
I hope these images make you sleep peacefully, I hope your snore will drown out your poor screams
Now just remember that this hasn't happen yet so don't go to your mourning spot
Chill out bro, cause this is just your warning shot.


C4 = the explosive and Tha Carter 4

Feed back would be appreciated on how I should improve cause I feel I went a little weak on this as I tried to expand the lines like was suggested.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Good job man. What I'd suggest is what MCSam told me a while ago: read poetry. You've got too much to fit into a bar, so it seems long and lost my attention. That and I couldn't flow to it much. Don't worry. Keep writing and you'll improve. Keep it up!

Oh yeah, feed me back? Thanks! viewtopic.php?f=24&t=123753

[Wreck]

This was good. Multies were like this to me I felt: some were multiple syllable multis, and some just barely were multis, but I liked it. Keep grindin man.

[WakeUpShow]

Flow was really really hurt because you made the lines so long, that when I got to the rhyme at the end i had forgot about the rhyme scheme. The rhyming and personals weren't bad though.

[WakeUpShow]

shorter lines > longer lines. remember that.

[Man1x]

Yea, I know the flow was a mess, when I was reading it I was also saying, I forgot my own fucking scheme by the the time I read it, I just decided to put it out anyway. I focused on longer lines but I guess I need to find a balance like you said. Also, this is a subliminal haha but it's more embarrassing than anything. Thanks for feedback, I will try to low you all away with the next one (At least I hope I do).