Practice Verse

[autotooner]

I've been trying to get back into writing, haven't done it very much lately, This is part of a verse that I wrote the other night. Just wanted some feedback to see if I'm moving in the right direction.


Guess my life wasn't meant to amount to shit,
Feeling worthless and kicked, my heart has been ripped
Nothing turns out positive, wonder why I still pray for it
Lay in bed, having crazy fits, putting blades to wrists,
Dancing in traffic, doin' all kinds of dumb shit that's straight up dangerous
Can't keep a girl, can't keep a job,
can't feel happy, seems like I'm getting robbed
While all these assholes and dope addicts
Living so damn fly, why is their shit so coapasetic? Its so pathetic
living a broken dream, shit I could die right now and won't regret it.


viewtopic.php?f=24&t=133408&p=1798363#p1798363

[Man1x]

Work on structure, the flow was great though, and you had some good multis. Internals were amazing and everywhere though

Edit: Hope you don't mind if I hightlight, I missed some though. I also screwed it up oh well. Anyway I liked it.

Guess my life wasn't meant to amount to shit,
Feeling worthless and kicked, my heart has been ripped
Nothing turns out positive, wonder why I still pray for it
Lay in bed, having crazy fits, putting blades to wrists,
Dancing in traffic, doin' all kinds of dumb shit that's straight up dangerous
Can't keep a girl, can't keep a job,
can't feel happy, seems like I'm getting robbed
While all these assholes and dope addicts
Living so damn fly, why is their shit so coapastetic? Its so pathetic
living a broken dream, shit I could die right now and won't regret it.

you had a lot of "i" sounds then other alernative internals like "ee." Flow was amazing really, please disregard my highlighting, it's horrible.

[2PointOBoy]

coapasetic and not "coapastetic"...

[autotooner]

Man1x- Thanks for the comments, I have been practicing alot with multis and internals. I'll work on the structure some and post waht I come up with.

2PointOBoy- lmao, I thought it looked wrong but was too lazy to look it up. Thanks man.

Anybody else feel free to comment or critique, I'm here to learn so let me know of anything I need to work on.

[Sam.]

Bro, you need a lot of practice tbh.Concept wise this piece is dope,but you really need to work on how you use Multis in your verse.Majority of your verse had Mono-Syllabic Rhymes, try and incorporate some more complexity in this.

Can't keep a girl, can't keep a job,
can't feel happy, seems like I'm getting robbed

Here you should have used a word that Rhymes with either "girl" or "happy", looks better.

[RainMan44]

I've been trying to get back into writing, haven't done it very much lately, This is part of a verse that I wrote the other night. Just wanted some feedback to see if I'm moving in the right direction.


Guess my life wasn't meant to amount to shit,
Feeling worthless and kicked, my heart has been ripped
Nothing turns out positive, wonder why I still pray for it
Lay in bed, having crazy fits, putting blades to wrists,
Dancing in traffic, doin' all kinds of dumb shit that's straight up dangerous
Can't keep a girl, can't keep a job,
can't feel happy, seems like I'm getting robbed
While all these assholes and dope addicts
Living so damn fly, why is their shit so coapasetic? Its so pathetic
living a broken dream, shit I could die right now and won't regret it.


viewtopic.php?f=24&t=133408&p=1798363#p1798363

Like Sam said...good concept, it could have been executed better tho

I liked this bit here
"Nothing turns out positive, wonder why I still pray for it
Lay in bed, having crazy fits, putting blades to wrists,
Dancing in traffic, doin' all kinds of dumb shit that's straight up dangerous"





Feed mine when you get time plz
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=133495