Caged In

[JamaicanPattlez]

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm right for this game,
I'm undermined like Stevie Wonder, or just blind to the fame,
If I knew this shit went down, I would've brought umbrellas,
So I can prove to kids and clowns that I'm a problem fella,
Turn the radio up, and what's the first you'll hear?
Girls with a radiant rump and these dudes want rear,
Like LMFAO, are these dudes on shrooms?
I might tell a friend they know it ain't cool to use,
And Drake's here telling us all to Take Care,
Like his tape was tighter than what a gay wears,
Now here I fucked the world and I nut on that hoe,
So weird that it fluffed and froze, so I call it my snow,
You're flamboyant like raid of gays getting enraged,
I'm amazed by the days you're chased by lyrical AIDS,
A juggernaut in his cage, waiting to make his escape,
Hope you're not a mistake mate, cause I'm taking this game!

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=133856&p=1808124#p1808124

[JamaicanPattlez]

Flow was off at points, but I'm sure you nailed the flow, since you wrote it.

Not as strong as your other pieces. Trying to do full bar rhyming can make you sound forced or corny. Careful when you do it. You don't ALWAYS have to, but it's nice if you can get your point across while doing so. I like to.

Your Stevie Wonder line was the best.

And to me, I thought the lyrical AIDs line had some sort of reference to hearing aids or something lol. Made it better to me.

Thanks! Yeah, I still can't nail that. No matter how hard I try. I was trying to see if I could make better punchlines, but I failed lol.

[Sam.]

Wait what?
There were Punchlines in this piece? I didn't get any of them, well if you say that you have done them then please next time make them more visible, there's a lot of difference between Metaphors/Word Play/Name Play and Punchlines, nahimean?

"I was Bourne to kill David Webb" ~ Name Play

"My sperms don't make new lives, it brings old one's back from the dead"~ Punchline

See ^

Okay, I think the flow is awesome, a story telling flow is what manages to give justice to this.I tried Slick Rick's style of flow and it gave magnificent support.

The content was a little eh, I think you know what I mean. Blahahahhahah XD this happens some time's so just concentrate on making the next one better.

Keep slayin 'em.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Wait what?
There were Punchlines in this piece? I didn't get any of them, well if you say that you have done them then please next time make them more visible, there's a lot of difference between Metaphors/Word Play/Name Play and Punchlines, nahimean?

"I was Bourne to kill David Webb" ~ Name Play

"My sperms don't make new lives, it brings old one's back from the dead"~ Punchline

See ^

Okay, I think the flow is awesome, a story telling flow is what manages to give justice to this.I tried Slick Rick's style of flow and it gave magnificent support.

The content was a little eh, I think you know what I mean. Blahahahhahah XD this happens some time's so just concentrate on making the next one better.

Keep slayin 'em.

Yeah I'm probably getting the two confused, my bad on that. I know what you mean lol, it's been done a lot so nothing real special. I think I need to study more on the difference between Punchlines and Wordplay. Thanks for the feed!

[Sam.]

Try and listen to Punchline Rappers, it helps a lot.

Keep an eye, soon I'll drop a Punchline track.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Try and listen to Punchline Rappers, it helps a lot.

Keep an eye, soon I'll drop a Punchline track.

Gotcha, any good ones you recommend?

[Sam.]

Start with Joe Budden & Fabulous, once you get their style, I'll let you know the kings of this shit.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Start with Joe Budden & Fabulous, once you get their style, I'll let you know the kings of this shit.

Got it, thanks man! Gonna check out their material now and learn from them.

[Sam.]

I think he listens to Royce.Good thing Gennette buy mentioning Royce, I almost forgot to say that.
But JB Punches are better IMO....Pfft let's not go in to that.

[JamaicanPattlez]

I listen to Royce, but I've only really listened to SIC, Bar Exam 4, the BME EP and Slaughterhouse's verses. I've listened to a lot of JB, but now I should pay more attention to what he's saying too. I hear DIC is Royce's best work, is that true?

[JamaicanPattlez]

I thought I fed this Apparently not.

I really liked this piece man, I found the flow very easily and you had a lot of rhymes that normal people wouldn't catch on the first few reads - which is good, the more smoothly your rhymes blend into the verse, the better it would sound on an audio piece (personally speaking) so you did dope there.

"Like his tape was tighter than what a gay wears"

I liked that line lol but you had a lot of good word play in this piece which is always fun to read too and it sounds like you're just generally speaking your mind on how you view the game's current state - can't go wrong with that.

Yep, I spoke what I was thinking. Like how is music turning into a fuckin' College Party on meth mixed with shit? I don't get it. I also toyed with more wordplay, and I think I'm sticking with this! Thanks for the feed.