State of the Game

[autotooner]

This is a verse for a song I'm working on with a friend of mine, it's about how the game is fucked up and real rappers need to take it back. My verse is incomplete ATM, I still need to finish it, I just wanted to see if what I have so far is on the right track.

Thanks for viewing.

LOF:http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=133847

Hip hops gone soft these days, its nonsense these kids constantly play
All of these whack ass love songs, they must be gay.
Aubry, Drake, whatever the Fuck he's named
coulda been aight, till he signed with Wayne
Got him spittin punchlines that make no sense, I hate this shit,
Please somebody rape a bitch!
Relapse off half a gram, pop some Valium, slap your gramps,
do something that's truly bad , damn.
These pussywhipped little stupid kids wearin skinny jeans and polos,
dancing around, they look like homos.
Screamin pac is back, too bad he isn't now
All of these fucking gimmicks would never live it down.
I spit my bars and say Fuck in every sentence I rhyme
Yall make up words and harmonize like Bieber on a mic
I really wanna smack the Fuck outta all these bastard punks
Whack ass chumps, with the talent of a plastic duck
Actin tough Cuz they boys gassed em up
Ran in the studio, grabbed the mic and flung it back at cha
My words enter the mind like venom from Dracula
Poisoning these kids brains to laugh at the shit you saying
Quit complaining Jason is not restraining

[Words]

To be honest, I wasn't really feeling this one. The flow of the first part was ok, but I felt like you fell off at the end.
Then there was this, it really brought down the whole rest of the piece:

Got him spittin punchlines that make no sense, I hate this shit,

that would've been fine by itself, but then later you said:

I really wanna smack the Fuck outta all these bastard punks
Whack ass chumps, with the talent of a plastic duck

It just kind of confused me. I didn't really get the whole plastic duck thing, didn't make sense to me. I mean, I understand...a plastic duck can't really have talent but...it just seemed like you wrote that to force a rhyme. There could be something I'm missing, possibly an inside joke that I'm not understanding. Other than that, idk, it just didn't make that much sense to me.
Overall, the piece just wasn't that impressive. You have some skill though, I can see that. just keep on working at it.
I'm not trying to hate or troll, this is just what I thought when I read the piece. Keep working at it, and post on here a lot. When I started posting my work and getting feedback, my writing improved a lot. I feel like that would be a big help to you too.

[autotooner]

Thanks for the feedback man, the plastic duck think was kind of a tongue in cheek joke at how alot of rappers rely on what end up being whack punches. It does look like I forced it in there, and it doesn't fit the seriousness of the rest of the piece.

I've still got some work to do to this, I'll keep you updated as I go along.

[Spyder]

gotta step your multie game up, content and subject matter was ehh,
need to write about something more personal or give a new spin on that topic.
was a decent read, im sure your just starting so youve got a concept of it.
just hang in there and keep giving real feed for people and people will help you
improve

[autotooner]

thanks for the feedback man, I have been working on a storytelling type of verse, haven't gotten very far with it yet, I'll post it once I get something I'm confident in though.

As far as the feedback, I am new to this, but I'm trying to iron my thoughts out and give some positive criticism without sounding like I'm hating. Again, thanks for the feedback.

[JamaicanPattlez]

It's decent, but yeah, needs to be stepped up. Think of it this way, how can you save the game when yours is still lacking? You'll improve, keep it up! I enjoyed it.

[autotooner]

Thanks man. I'm constantly working on songs, so I guess there's no where to go but up. I'll definitely post more in the future.