Eedee - [3] Stay With Me

[Eedee]

LoF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146785

Beat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkenueI58PY

* Another track from my upcoming written mixtape. This is about girl problems which is very prevalent in my real life. I tried writing down what I'm feeling and putting all this shit into words. Hope you enjoy.

(:42)
It seems like everywhere I turn I see your fucking face,
But the hate that builds up in me is real but nothing takes.
But something waits, I can feel it, it's what makes me wait,
As if we'll be together that's why no girl can take your place.
I've been holding out for you but our paths have been delayed,
I've passed up opportunities to date since you became
The focal point for me, but you're questioning my vocal choice,
I've told you what you mean to me, directs you to my broken voice.
In between the screams there is a piercing in my ear,
It's the piece of each sob, you're all I got and all my tears
Are because of what you've done, doubled back to sting me well,
A couple stabs, a troubled laugh is all I hear, I sit in Hell.
I'm waiting in dizziness, the spinning shakes my stomach up,
But nothing comes in with it's bliss, this fricking place, it fucking sucks.
I can tell that something's up, there's a reason you're not dating me,
My aching dreams are placing screams within me, baby, stay with me.

(1:47)
What if I were taken in, with tubes in every part of me,
Darling, see? You'd rethink what you think of me - it's hard to see.
Right now you're blinded by your faith, a minute you should try to take,
To evaluate priorities like how you view me, I will wait.
I've waited for an eighth of my life for you to make your choice,
But now you have and you'll regret it, bitch, I leave your wake destroyed.
I'm sorry babe, I'll behave, I didn't mean to call you names,
I'll wait for you to change your mind forever till it falls in place.
All the change I've ever made, you spat it right back in my face,
The ocean of emotion was calm, but now it's into waves.
Rocking back and forth like my shoes up on this balcony,
Looking at the ground with lust as if I do this casually.
Basically what I'm saying is that, girl, you've fucking ruined me,
You're a game that playing was bad, but now that something's pushing me
To live my fucking life as if you were not there at all,
I regress, so stay with me baby, please, this pair is top.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Damn man as always, great with the rhyming! seems like its pretty emotional topic I know a lot of people feell you on this one! nice job man keep it up. this shluld be an awesome mixtape/!

[Sam.]

I didn't feel the need to actually break this into two verses, could have done it by joining them. Oh, well. The flow here was perfect, coupled with some good inner rhymes makes it enjoyable. The story that you were trying to say wasn't that clear to me, could you explain in short? :P

You need to make your Multis smother, with better words, like in the 1st verse; check the middle bars for instance.

Would love to read a Mixtape with you and DGAF.

[Eedee]

@Shady - Thanks, man.

I didn't feel the need to actually break this into two verses, could have done it by joining them. Oh, well. The flow here was perfect, coupled with some good inner rhymes makes it enjoyable. The story that you were trying to say wasn't that clear to me, could you explain in short? :P

You need to make your Multis smother, with better words, like in the 1st verse; check the middle bars for instance.

Would love to read a Mixtape with you and DGAF.

Glad the flow was perfect, I'm really proud of how that aspect of this piece turned out. And for the two conjoined verses, the beat wouldn't allow it. It had a (very chilling) hook in between.

As for the smooth multis, not sure what you mean by that. Could you point to specific examples instead of just "middle bars"? Thanks...

And that's a good idea. I'll have to talk with him about that. We do however have a CW duo group "Catastrophic" that's dropped 4 or so tracks. We could easily turn that into a written mixtape with a few more tracks.

[Sam.]

Just a few examples:

But something waits, I can feel it, it's what makes me wait,
As if we'll be together that's why no girl can take your place.

Look at the bolded portion, that was intended multi at the end of the bar. Here, if you had rhymed the middle word properly, it would have been smooth. Even if I say it, it's not that smooth, but you can certainly get away with it. .

I've been holding out for you but our paths have been delayed,
I've passed up opportunities to date since you became

The extra word "you" throws off the Multi.

Are because of what you've done, doubled back to sting me well,
A couple stabs, a troubled laugh is all I hear, I sit in Hell.

The underlined part, me likes, good inner multhez therez. The bolded; well it just manages to keep up, although it falls in the same category of the point that I'm shitting about.

[Eedee]

Just a few examples:

But something waits, I can feel it, it's what makes me wait,
As if we'll be together that's why no girl can take your place.

Look at the bolded portion, that was intended multi at the end of the bar. Here, if you had rhymed the middle word properly, it would have been smooth. Even if I say it, it's not that smooth, but you can certainly get away with it. .

I've been holding out for you but our paths have been delayed,
I've passed up opportunities to date since you became

The extra word "you" throws off the Multi.

Are because of what you've done, doubled back to sting me well,
A couple stabs, a troubled laugh is all I hear, I sit in Hell.

The underlined part, me likes, good inner multhez therez. The bolded; well it just manages to keep up, although it falls in the same category of the point that I'm shitting about.

Ight, I feel ya. The rhyme scheme was supposed to be delayed / became. It doesn't sound right anyway if you say "... date since became" or something like that. I sacrificed longer multis for what I was trying to say. That's okay sometimes.

But yeah. Thanks for the good looks. I appreciate it.

[Sam.]

Sacrificing longer multis for what you're trying to say is applause worthy.