Twisted Fate - Savage(First verse)

[dmnelson0351]

FB: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146821&p=1941122#p1941122

Simplicity in the mind, ravishing every line
savagley cutting you up, one bone at a time
My mind is warped, crooked as your corpse
Sittin there slowly decomposing on the floor
Twisted to the core, disposing of a sort
Savage in a cage, you want fucking more?
I'm enraged hitting a diabolical stage
Sitting here shaking these bars until they break
I flow like a river, smash like a lake
This shit is easy, its like icing on the cake
So you tell me, whats the fucking stake?
You're the leafs, and I'm the fucking rake.
Put you in a pile and smash you till you break.
Crumble to little pieces, endangered species.
You're number two, aint shit but fucking feces.
Bitches can't beat me, bout to feel the wrath
Once these salts kick in, I'll eat your fucking ass.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

lol this is prety nice for your first piece( definitely better than my first drop) rhyming was okay, it seemed like you could have made a lot of lines 3 syllable multis and maybe some were but I didnt notice them. it looks like it flows okay but I didnt read it to a beat, most of your lines are the same length lol. Any way, good job man keep it up

[dmnelson0351]

Yeah, i should go back and put the little "/" things where they belong. I dont know much about the whole writing with structure thing, most of my shit is just jotted down on a pad of paper. scrambled thoughts. I'm still getting used to structure. I feel like this one came together a lot better than my last few pieces on here. They way I rap it in my head, it flows nicely. I dont really have a beat for it yet though. Thanks for the feedback.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Hopefully some more experienced writers will peep this and help you out. but some great advice that helped me to get started rhyming a lot is jot down a 3 syllable word and think of things to rhyme with it then put it to a track, once you do that a couple times you really wont have to do it anymore youll jsut have the feel for multis I guess!

[dmnelson0351]

I will try it out. Thanks for the advice. I have quite a bit of time to myself right now on this fucking deployment. I'm gonna start studying poetry, try to get that flow going. I know I have the talent when it comes to rhyming, I just have to figure out how to put it all together into complete verses. So its not blocky, or so it flows better.

[Sam.]

This is not his 1st piece, lol.

On to the feed. I fucking loved this, man. Super ass flow, and the content is also dope. Some clever lines there, magnificent.

But, you need up your multi game, that's way it is here now. Try reading the dictionary for new words. Take a paper, write some 3-5 syllabic words, rhymes as may times as possible.multis. Not only would that help you, but you'll feel comfortable with it and a time will come, when you can't stop writing

[dmnelson0351]

Thanks for the advice man. I will definetley do that. Thanks for all the feedback.

[J.R.]

I agree with shady. Overall a really solid piece but chances and spots for improvements. You get it so I won't expand but I'll follow your pieces and if you don't improve I'll let you know.