Twisted Fate - Good day.

[dmnelson0351]

This blade here, in my hand has a twisted edge
so sharp, one steady swing, it'll cut off your fucking head
Don't talk shit when I'm rolling on these fucking meds
The doc said take one, I took six instead.
Right now I feel like superman with infinite life span
I ran ten miles holding a damn garbage can
why? I dont fucking know,
But i stubbed my toe on the bedframe at your gfs home.
Little did she know, that i was even their.
It was like surprise party, But I was the only ONE THERE!!
To the edge of her bed I quietly crept
I stopped and stared as she peacefully slept
I whispered under my breath, goodnight beautiful
Then i took my knife and I cut her throat
sat their and laughed till she died of her own gargle.
They call me twisted, I call it fate
Twisted fate has a special place with hells firey gates.

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[Eedee]

This blade here, in my hand has a twisted edge
so sharp, one steady swing, it'll cut off your fucking head
Don't talk shit when I'm rolling on these fucking meds
The doc said take one, I took six instead.
Right now I feel like superman with infinite life span
I ran ten miles holding a damn garbage can
why? I dont fucking know,
But i stubbed my toe on the bedframe at your gfs home.
Little did she know, that i was even their.
It was like surprise party, But I was the only ONE THERE!!
To the edge of her bed I quietly crept
I stopped and stared as she peacefully slept
I whispered under my breath, goodnight beautiful
Then i took my knife and I cut her throat
sat their and laughed till she died of her own gargle.
They call me twisted, I call it fate
Twisted fate has a special place with hells firey gates.

Feedback: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146905&p=1944523#p1944523

That's fucking sick haha.

Anyway, I got the flow for this piece down on the first read. No issue there.

Rhyming was elementary, but it worked. If you had used "fricking head" in the second bar, it wouldn't rhymed with "twisted edge / fricking head" but you said "fucking" instead. It's little things like that which can allow for better rhyming, etc. Just something I noticed.

The concept was okay too. Nothing too fancy, just your regular horrorcore kinda, especially towards the end. That type of topic can allow for amazing rhyming, but I see you didn't use that while you could've.

And as I said to all recent drops it seems, use a beat!! It helps set the mood and solidify flow.

Keep up the good work though.

[Sam.]

Simple. Technically, still basic. Story was aight, could have more interesting. It looks like the one that I wrote when I was 14, no offence, just saying.

[Mr.DGAF]

Good idea man. The fact that you went into kind of a story on an early piece is really nice It's more impresive than something like "I'm awesome lol" type stuff. The rhying was pretty basic throughout. I like the multie in line 1 and 4. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I like that it came back. Other than that, most rhymes were one syllable that I saw. The fucking rhymes from line 2 and 3 were multies but with the same word in each scheme, I dunno haha.

[dmnelson0351]

I'm studying multies, looking in the dictonary and what not. That was a small piece that I wrote a while back. Just wanted to see what you guys all thought, I have alot of basic stuff written, That I wanna go back and tidy up, add some new shit. Thanks for the feedback, I am taking your guys advice and applying it to some new shit I'm writing. I'm trying to actually write a full song, before I drop it on here, instead of verses like ive been doing.

[Eedee]

^ Sweet. I look forward to seeing your improvement!

[Wreck]

This blade here, in my hand has a twisted edge
so sharp, one steady swing, it'll cut off your fucking head
Don't talk shit when I'm rolling on these fucking meds
The doc said take one, I took six instead.
Right now I feel like superman with infinite life span
I ran ten miles holding a damn garbage can
why? I dont fucking know,
But i stubbed my toe on the bedframe at your gfs home.
Little did she know, that i was even their.
It was like surprise party, But I was the only ONE THERE!!
To the edge of her bed I quietly crept
I stopped and stared as she peacefully slept
I whispered under my breath, goodnight beautiful
Then i took my knife and I cut her throat
sat their and laughed till she died of her own gargle.
They call me twisted, I call it fate
Twisted fate has a special place with hells firey gates.

Feedback: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146905&p=1944523#p1944523

Haha this was pretty good & intense for a serial killer piece, nice work staying on topic .
Didn't have multi-syllable rhymes but I see it as a good piece because you described the story well w/ deep imagery & told your story front to end.