BrendanO - Random

[Brendanoooo]

I know its long, I want to add a chorus or something into it. T Farr is a cop that gave me and my friend nolan bullshit tickets.
LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146821


I don't play football, but you know i scored a touchdown
With a sexy whore, that i met up in this dutch town
Got 6 points now its time to kick a field goal
Fucked her so hard, she got palsy thats cerebral
Legs, arms, feet and hands are paralyzed
Then start to come some talks of suicide
I went to the bathroom and i hopped out the window
Thats when her dad, looked up from his kindle
He saw me runnin and picked up his shotgun
I was scared shitless so i ran and got one
Found one in the neighbours barn but it was empty
I had no shells and he had like twenty
Boogie down the street to another farm land
Into the backyard and inside the barn man
Her dads still shooting and he hit my arm, damn
I yelled "god damn it" like my name was Cartman (pronounced Cart-Man)
I thought i was done until i saw the combine
Keys still in it so i used it as mine
Ran over father and his fuckin twelve gauge
I liked the feel of that, Now im on a Rampage
Im like quinton jackson, and you cant stop me
Hit another bitch, now all the cops want me
I said "fuck it" and i hit the cops too
Swat team is coming, what the fuck do i do?
Call brock up "yo where you at dude"
He said "I saw the news, man im coming to get you"
I said "thanks, but hurry if you can man"
He said "i dunno, im only driving a trans am"
Thats when i heard, a policeman shout
"no more holding fire, try to take him out"
Now every officer trying to shoot me down
This has gotta be a high score, wheres my crown?
I see T Farr and i target him next
Imagine a switchblade, going straight through his chest
Problem is, My weapons are back at my nest
They got me in checkmate, as if this were chess
But this aint a game, this is real war man
Then i see Brock coming, as fast as he can
Hittin little children in his dark blue sedan
Tryin to make it here, to lend a helpin hand
I could use it too, man, you dont understand
What it feels, to be in no man's land
The trans am stops, and out hops brock
And nolan too, they begin to walk
Towards T Farr and they grab his glock
Shoot three times straight at his cock
Hes on the ground screaming "please just stop"
Nolan shoots some more, til theres just one cop
What happened next, Yo just ask brock
Twisted smokey's neck until he heard a pop
Took his hands off and let his body drop
We got in the trans am and we drove off
3 bandits now, runnin from the cops
Boy do i ever need to smoke some pot

[Brendanoooo]

LOF son!

Thanks

[Brendanoooo]

LOF son!

Thanks

You're welcome? lol

Well I forgot about the Link and you reminded me, I'm thanking you for reminding me

[Eedee]

I don't play football, but you know i scored a touchdown
With a sexy whore, that i met up in this dutch town
Got 6 points now its time to kick a field goal
Fucked her so hard, she got palsy thats cerebral

Probably my favorite part rhyming wise and topic wise. Loving the multi on the first two bars, quick and easy and sounds good to say. And I like the flip on cerebral palsy. I dunno why, but that just got my attention the way you said it backwards "palsy that's cerebral".

I've said it before and I'll say it again, write to a beat!! It helps with flow and structure and creating the mood for your topic.

Yup yup. Keep dropping and you'll get better.

[Mr.DGAF]

I actually liked this. I appreciate anyone who can structure a piece this long, it takes a lot of skill to move the story along without a break for a chorus or something. The rhymes were pretty okay, I saw pretty much two syllable lines going the whole way. I liked the cartman one haha. Sometimes the rhymes were ehhh, but with practice structuring the multies into your bars becomes easier. I may be wrong, but I didn't see that many internals in there. That's something that could help the flow go along and also shows skill in a writer. Just some little things to work on, you know?

[Brendanoooo]

Thanks for the feedback! And thanks for the suggestions, I'll definitely try them