Creative Control - Unpredictable

[Atone]

Beat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVzXMevu ... r_embedded

(Verse)(Atone)
Livin a life wonderin what is comin next,
check my phone for that in comin text
she said i love you but i felt a opain in my chest
i knew this was the end, i took a deep breath
i love you to i said, you really were the best
it was nice to haven you in my life i felt so blessed
Grandma thank you, i'll never forget you even after your death
if this is goodbye forever, i hope it's in peace that you rest
and that's where i was left
thinkin to myself that life can change on any givin day
one minute your smilin, and huggin and everything is okay
the next minute your cryin cuz cancer is takin the happiness away
mom asked if i wanted a tux, i had no words left to say
i just wanna talk to god, i get on my knee's and i pray
give me the will to make it thru this without a tear
thinkin about Lex, wishin she could be here
she always knew the right words to put in my ear
as i sit and think about this wild year
first i lost Jay, then my ex left me
Kyle's gone, X can be deadly
Lex shouldn't of gone in that car, she wasn't ready
this just shows that life is unpredictable, you gotta try to hold yourself steady

(Chorus)(girl singing)
Life is so----Unpredictable
and you can't rush it--gotta live it slow
hard to cope, sometimes i feel i may lose it
the only hope, the onlything i have is this music.

[Verse -JR]
Thinkin and drinkin bout the time that I spent,
Linkin my decievin to the life that I lead,
Words that I said, always thought about and downed,
Hole in my chest, could someone just shoot me now?
A foul, a mistake is what I always was you see,
But how these words just fuckin speak to me,
is how I reclaim my sanity and live in joy,
im not going for fame (fuck humanity) I write by choice,
Toys..thats what these words are to me, them I can play with,
So when you hurt me or you start scarring me, i spray shit,
say shit and rhyme it, double time it, in trouble i get,
because i leave after i play, i aint in love with this bitch,
rich deceit, thats what that last line was, so ill admit defeat,
but you won't get to me, because ill just rap if i get weak..
cause music is my rest in the bleak shit, its my happy place,
its soothes my soul, lets me dream and wish, lets me have escape

(Chorus)(Girl Singing)

Atone Link Of Feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=149123&p=2000305#p2000305
J.R Link Of Feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=148863

[Eedee]

Atone, you had good emotion and said what you wanted well. However, I noticed almost every rhyme was very very simple. You're good at rhyming, why didn't you do it here?

JR had a good verse too. "play with / spray shit" had a nice ring to it, I think lol, as well as "rich deceit / (ad)mit defeat".

Fuck this beat and fuck Lil Wayne while we're at it.

The chorus felt off too. Too long for what was written, IMO.

[J.R.]

Thanks Eedee.