Eedee - "Heading For The Light"

[Eedee]

LoF

Hey guys, I'm back! So I dropped a mixtape recently and I liked this track a lot, thought I'd post the text of it. Link to the actual audio track is at the bottom, but since the quality is poor I'd rather get critiqued on the text part of it haha. Thanks!

Beat ~ You'll have to scroll down a bit to play it.

If I died today, would get what I tried to say?
Or would sit there dying? Trying not to cry the night away?
Cuz one of these days, somebody's fate,
Is gonna end up to fumble the chains.
Enough of the game, I'm stuck with the pain,
I come with the rain, I'm fucking insane.
Yeah, but... another just came, a sickle to scythe,
Internally I grapple with, I'm fickle inside.
I'm snapping this, how little I try,
To grab the pen, that's what I do to spit in the eye
of the roadblocks, I know not to go hot with the showstopping
flow caught in the snow-topped hills, no hot wheels but I won't stop!
This game is mine for the taking,
I'm making rhymes for the patient
Fans who knows how much they mean
And damn you if you fuckers want me to touch that scene!
When I came through that speaker, you had needs to
Criticize me but cut me clean!
Thinkin' he's bad, saying shit that's rehashed,
Blow it out the ass
Tell me I say the same things, but lately
I'm going crazy like a bad buzz, but that won't change me!
I had one wish, but this sad trudging
through some mist, come grab my hand cuz, bitch:

Audio Track - YouTube

[Mr.DGAF]

Audio aside on all the tracks on your mixtape, the most notbale improvement is your writing. Obviously I liked your writing all along, but this mixtape has showed incredible improvement in writing alone. Not just rhyming, I think, but in all phases. You seem like a more polished writer. Coupled with the flow and I think you're drastically improving.

But of course, you probably already knew that haha.

[namix]

Not bad brother. I'll focus on the lyrical breakdown obviously here. I felt you kicked it off with strong flow and consistent multisyllabic rhymes -- and supported the verse throughout with pretty decent multi's. Your flow and concepts both seemed to be stronger out the gate, and trailed off a bit toward the end...

again focused on the lyrical aspects here only -- obviously you could tailor your deliver to a beat and leave your audience with a different impression --- however, strictly conceptually speaking, it appeared you had a clear topic with a certain degree of emotion regarding "how you felt" toward the beginning of your drop, and tapered off into more of an "eff you rant" toward the middle/end. Obviously it can all be part of the same story - but I think with a bit more focus on the conceptual flow in this piece regarding either HOW you overcame those sentiments or WHY you overcame those feelings of doubt/depression -- it would have made for a more seamless transition to your "strike back at the world" angle which you shifted toward.

There were a few sections toward the top which caught my eye from an imagery (coupled with good flow) standpoint -- I liked where you were heading with this bar:

"another just came, a sickle to scythe,
Internally I grapple with, I'm fickle inside."

Nice description, and a solid way to support the message you built from the get go.

I also liked the title, "heading for the light", but thought your conceptual tie to that subject could be a bit more deliberate/explicit. Granted, the 'emotion' you had from the onset regarding the self evaluation of your situation/etc. foot well with the topic of "heading for the light" (in terms of potentially "giving up"/"letting go" of this world) ---- it would have made for a STRONG tie to this subject if you transitioned this concept, the very meaning of the title of the track, from "heading for the light" (in terms of ending your life) to "heading for the light" (in terms of the lime light, the spot light -- BEGINNING your journey to stardom or something like that).

Nevertheless, just figured I'd layer some conceptual feedback in here in case it helps in your future lyrical endeavors hommie! Overall though I thought it was a pretty solid drop, decent concepts, good flow -- with some better conceptual transitioning you could make it a good "story telling" piece as well.

Stay up brotha!

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Shit dude this is good, I'm not sure I waant to leave feed after that guy ^ that was pretty in depth, Your writing has really improved quite a bit, you have some crazy line rhymes which I love! and then damn good multis through out the whole piece, I listened to it on youtube and your flow was pretty good too. I'm going to check out that mixtape when I get some free time on my hands, good work dude keep it up!

[Eedee]

@ namix, Damn lol thanks for the feed and the input. I really appreciate it.

@ Shady That would be awesome if you would feed that mixtape.

[JamaicanPattlez]

I liked it a lot. Namix pretty much covered what I had to say. I also peeped the audio track, I'm feeling it. You just gotta work on your delivery more, and then you're good! Sounds like you've been at it for a while. Keep it up, man.

[Eedee]

Thanks guys.

[namix]

@ namix, Damn lol thanks for the feed and the input. I really appreciate it.

@ Shady That would be awesome if you would feed that mixtape.

for sure brother - hit up my "seeing what is" piece if you ever get a chance

Otherwise, good shit and keep doing your thang!