"Exit Stage-Left"

[Block]

I don't remember exactly when I wrote this. It may end up being taken apart and used just for certain lines in other songs. I'm not too sure. I'm not very impressed with it as a whole.


she bottles her emotion til the mote is full of emptiness,
a motive proven desperate for coping, so you let me in..
you let me in to soak it up, i know it's love ((know it's love))...
post another sentinel for keeping watch,
he would not have let you go, a sheepless flock never grows..
still you gotta gaurd it from the pillagers and gaurds alike,
starting with the harvest all the way into autumn's light..
it's not a righteous path, slamming hearts in to a cylinder
she never differentiates the gaurds from the pillagers
the lovers from the beggars... why her heart, it wasn't still a word
mumbled as endearment, fearing everything was lost..
HER desire's miniscule, she needs you just to pleasure you
to put your wants above her God's then tell you that she's dead to you..
Hoarding her emotion til the bottle cracks and breaks again,
the mote is over-flowing and there's no way you can take it in
her castle's gonna crumble under cover of a vacant kiss,
a vacant misdirection set in place so we can break the skin...


she put her heart up on a pedestal to question your validity
it's simply a way that she will claim she's not that into me..
scrutinize her suiters until ruthless is a common term
comendeering all of her, you picked it up and now it hurts..
scabbing is surrounding all the words that she would work
into the surface of the earth,
(plant a garden with the heart that you were gaurding)
and the words that you were lost for,
I think that I have found them..
I'll tell you all about it on my way back from counting
all the scarring I was gaining in the struggle..
blaming was another way to say that she would love you, forever
forever is a common term we never really understand
but everything about you makes me feel as though I could..
and everything about you isn't really all that good
but, everything about you is the same,
(it's the same as me)
hold another leaf to try & block another ray of sun
& say that something's wrong so you can finally have a way to run..


and climb it down the surface
finding out if you can catch the air, it's worth it..
the freedom is attacking every molecule
and even with a pot to lose,
you master your position
until you're your only obstacle in vision..
(The opposition is the memories)
the never hearing "let it be's",
the wing tips ripping up a chance that we would set it free, ((set it free))
a chance that she would never take,
separate the better days that kept away the coldness in your stare..
blanket all the frozen hearts and hold it 'til the moment isn't there again,
it's arrogance, assuming we could lose another tooth & be
paid by the fairy (if she only knew the truth of things)..
maybe she does.. Maybe I'M the one that lost the touch
Maybe we believing heeds a reason we could call it love..
stress another smoke signal, dress it up in lonliness,
dress it up to play the part of you when you were over him
we're actors on a stage.. you forgot your lines..
pack it up and take this set apart if you don't mind







FEED: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=147048

[Eedee]

That was really good. I got the flow which was excellent, actually. I like how you make us envision the struggle; the vocab was great as well as the rhyming. I liked this as a whole, but if you pick it apart for other songs that's entirely up to you.

[Sam.]

This work here paints an abstract picture in the mind of the readers. Although, this seems to be raw at places, but the thoughts behind it is dope. Poetic? Indeed, it's a little complex to understand at times, but I kinda got it with some re-reading. I see from your previous drop, the emphasis on 'She'. Hmmm..

Vocab was top notch, I had to look up certain words. Slightly over done. I mean you're are capable of expressing your thought with simpler words, same could have been done here. I won't sat it was unnecessary, it only add to the difficulty of the readers, hehe.

I loved this line very much. I don't know if you intended to make it the way that I see it.
"to put your wants above her God's then tell you that she's dead to you"

I'm not gonna talk about the technicalities here, because you know what you've done with that.

[Mr.DGAF]

The way you organize your rhymes is really nice. I definitely draw some inspiration from you, as I have from other good writers on this site. The first two lines were my favorite in terms of assonance, always loved that "o" sound. You have a great way of wording things to where it's a universal thought. Something where I feel like other people are thinking the exact same thing but can't word it like you have haha. Also, fucking loved this line:

"scrutinize her suiters until ruthless is a common term"

This was really nice. Total longshot here but if you'd ever find the time or are still into collabing with people, I'd like to work with you. If not it's cool haha, no hard feelings.

[Block]

Wow. I honestly didn't expect such great feedback on these newer pieces. Thanks a lot guys, it's really humbling. Lately I haven't thought much of my own work. Going through a phase of self-doubt, I suppose.

And yeah, man, I'm always open for collabs on anything. Just shoot me a pm and we can get on that as soon as we talk.

[CrashBand]

First of all, your rhyming is excellent. Drawing similarities from Slug, in terms of - effortless rhyming a lot, but not really noticing you are. (which is a good thing).

Your internal rhymes are really well placed as well, exemplified by the last line in the first verse.

Sorry, not too in depth feed, but overall a very good piece.

[righfield]

this is really good i see you pulling an eminem making words that shouldnt rhyme rhyme with that autumms night/guards alike lines

[Mr.DGAF]

Wow. I honestly didn't expect such great feedback on these newer pieces. Thanks a lot guys, it's really humbling. Lately I haven't thought much of my own work. Going through a phase of self-doubt, I suppose.

And yeah, man, I'm always open for collabs on anything. Just shoot me a pm and we can get on that as soon as we talk.

Oh shit, honestly never saw this. I will PM you soon, gotta iron some shit out elsewhere first.