Convicting lyrics

[Halftongue Dre]

Feedback: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=159463

I'm not here to judge anyone or point fingers I'm just here in the thick of it with the rest of you all. I wrote this in hopes it would cut deep into whoever reads it and gets them to really ponder some of the things I am talking about. I have read the bible almost twice now and I have been writing lyrically sense middle school so I am blessed to have a good understanding of our God and a way of sharing His message. All I ask is that you read it with an open mind. Thanks and have a good day


Pardoned of sin as you begin to regard it
Blend into the fight as you amend your hardships
Descending into light transcended past darkness
And harness a conscious tarnished with promise
Embarking on knowledge gained through the harvest
Starting to acknowledge God for who He is, not just the artist
Making His mark when targets break squadron
And depart with a heart hardened and can't sense the problem
When its common for them to think they will be forgotten
Lost to the wind as if He didn't want them
But that's nonsense and honestly it shocks Him
Robs Him of the joy just to see them blossom
And its costly almost a caution
For Him to watch them sink to the bottom
He asks Himself "was there not enough doctrine, apostles, and prophets?"
"Do they really have to go to the hottest pockets in hell to know I'm being honest,
that there is a place of torment prepared for the fallen
and all who follow their logic in bondage?"
"Of course I love my creation but when its lukewarm it just makes me vomit"
"I cannot live with sin, this is why My son had to squash it"
"Tossed under foot and conquered it, why can't they honor that?"
"Even just ponder it"
The father is sad but that doesn't mean He doesn't want you to bother Him
Can't you hear Him hollering?
You will if you begin to follow Him
Sobering or not just call to Him
Remember that promise?
Those who knock will get to walk in
And those who seek shall meet an expected end
And if you ask you will receive a gift
So come as you are and just believe in Him..

[Snakebeast]

The entire thing felt very poetic. There were a fuckload of multis, and the message, while, in my opinion, a tiny bit over religious, was conveyed very well. I do feel like, however, that you did the Crooked I thing sometimes where you forced rhymes; i.e.

"And harness a conscious tarnished with promise"

Nonetheless, pretty fucking awesome. Leagues above your shit on the cypher threads.

[Halftongue Dre]

Hahaha thanks man I appreciate your honest opinion. And yeah I usually just freestyle in the cypher threads. For this one I actually took each bar one at a time. And that line was meant to be read "And harness a conscious, tarnished with promise" forgot the comma. Don't know if that sounds any better. And what are multis? like too much rhyming?

[Snakebeast]

Multis are when you rhyme more than one syllable. For example, instead of

I'm good at rap, I like to rhyme
I love rapping all the damn time

It would be

I'm good at rap, I spit wicked
I can rhyme, and I do shit with it

And yeah, you don't have to rhyme every word. You could make it more coherent if you rhymed less and focused on the content more (since this seems like a content-based verse).

[metsfan1121]

I loved this. I'm not really religous at all but it's a nice change of pace from the typical hip hop content. I felt that you were great in maintaining the balance between good rhymes and still making sense. Only thing I'd change would be one or two lines with more emphasis. Emphasis is more easily done when delivered but you could've put in a rhetorical question or anaphora or something like that.

[Halftongue Dre]

thanks guys i'll take your advice

[Just Silver]

definitely should do more writtens guy no offense but structure in the cyphers are meh but this was pretty good

vocab is lengthy better than mine thats for sure i got to go through an online dictionary soon

writtens are your way to go nice shit

[Atone]

there is more multi's in this than a box of times table flash cards lol

very poetic, deep, definitley inspirational, you brought religion in the matter and alot of people are gonna get lost with that, but i was able to stay with it, i enjoyed it man

[Halftongue Dre]

Thanks bro I appreciate it..

[IBasicallyRage]

Sick multis, I agree completely with Snake.

[Halftongue Dre]

Sick multis, I agree completely with Snake.

Thanks Rage appreciate it man..

[Francesco]

Very good overall...

[Atone]

The entire thing felt very poetic. There were a fuckload of multis, and the message, while, in my opinion, a tiny bit over religious, was conveyed very well. I do feel like, however, that you did the Crooked I thing sometimes where you forced rhymes; i.e.

"And harness a conscious tarnished with promise"

Nonetheless, pretty fucking awesome. Leagues above your shit on the cypher threads.

Pretty much this

it was very fun to read, i was imagining this on a def comedy jam poetry tybe vibe, idk why lol, but i like this,

""I cannot live with sin, this is why My son had to squash it"
"Tossed under foot and conquered it,"

felt like an Eminem typoe line for some reason, i think from toy soldiers, i can't remember, but you did good, i like it

[Spyder]

This was a nice piece, I agree with snake on that sometimes youre using words just to increase the multie count. The lines may work in audio wherever they hit the beat, but in a text piece the different lengths make the structure look poor. The imagery was nice in this one, and as others have said it felt a lot like a poem. Good work.

[Halftongue Dre]

Thanks for the feed back my dudes..