Bad Trip - Feedback Appreciated

[sneakerheadshady]

LoF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=166671&p=2468301#p2468301

Beat(this should work, but it might be a snippet): http://www.beatlab.com/matrices/351114/compose

BAD TRIP:
all these kids on iv drips
bumping heads to their CD rips
mushrooms, acid, scary trips
seeing shit that doesnt exist
needles inserted into a wrist
overdose, and your mind just slips
monsters magic, eyes play tricks
i gotta feeling that this is it
you go thru this for 10 minutes of bliss
then you wakeup, now dont you wish
there was a way to stop, get over this
go to the docs office, bottle of piss
checking into rehab, you reminisce
what was life like before all the hits?
back before when you were just a kid
saying you wont do no stupid shit
and then it happened, its too late to switch
***
Drugs are the devils snare
if your addicted he doesnt care
lifes no game, it isnt fair,
so dont let the devil pull your hair
***


the last mini paragraph is probably gonna end up being a hook or bridge of some sort.
also, the songs meant to be a message to not do stupid shit, was gonna touch more on that second verse.. anyways, feedback is appreciated

[PAINKILLƎR]

Good piece mane, rhyming was pretty simple but it flowed well. You didn't go off topic and that great.

saying you wont do no stupid shit

double negative, gotta watch out for those.

But anyway solid effort, nice piece. Next time try to work on your rhyming and stuff

[sneakerheadshady]

Good piece mane, rhyming was pretty simple but it flowed well. You didn't go off topic and that great.

saying you wont do no stupid shit

double negative, gotta watch out for those.

But anyway solid effort, nice piece. Next time try to work on your rhyming and stuff

the double negative is becuase i needed an extra syllable to make it flow well. i can fix that, and yah i kept the rhyme scheme simple as fuck becuase im awful at multies and throughs and shit, i mostly focused on topic
but thanks alot fam

[Just Silver]

good stuff reminds me of some of my writing in the past

had a nice flow i didnt listen to the beat yet cause sometimes its just misleading and could be on something different

conceptually its pretty cool nice imagery and transitions relatively smooth

hooks can be very subjective but it was alright i myself get a little lyrical in hooks its harder to capture in audio if that makes any sense

overall its not bad like a C+/B

[sneakerheadshady]

good stuff reminds me of some of my writing in the past

had a nice flow i didnt listen to the beat yet cause sometimes its just misleading and could be on something different

conceptually its pretty cool nice imagery and transitions relatively smooth

hooks can be very subjective but it was alright i myself get a little lyrical in hooks its harder to capture in audio if that makes any sense

overall its not bad like a C+/B

thanks fam btw this is the same beat i sent you. but yah i think this is personally my best writing so far. its not perfect at all, but a good achievemnt for me i feel. thanks

[sneakerheadshady]

bump for 11/14

[Flamez]

I liked it. It was simple with the rhymes, but it flowed well. Keep at it.

[sneakerheadshady]

I liked it. It was simple with the rhymes, but it flowed well. Keep at it.

thanks brotha

[Francesco]

It's aight...

[sneakerheadshady]

thanks guys

[Francesco]

Anytime...

[sneakerheadshady]

Anytime...

those one word answers XD

[Just Silver]

I know lol :

[sneakerheadshady]

I know lol :

iz just like what haha