Rejection

[Man1x]

Wow dude. Pretty good stuff man. The emotion was pouring out of this bitch aha.

The intro was alright.. honestly I think it'd be good without the "father" part I mean that shit was harsh haha.

"A failure, a disgrace. Should have got an abortion, you’re a mistake…
Kill yourself…
You little mother fucker….."

Damn, fucked up ass dad.
The outro was pretty creepy too. I can imagine hearing that shit in audio and just being creeped the fuck out ahah but it's still good.

It was good mayne. 4 dead whores out of 5.

Feed me, son.

Yea, but the shock value is what makes it haha, the intro sounded so good in my mind that I just had to do it. My last three pieces have been inspired from Relapse I think, been bumping it a lot lately. Oh, and none of its real. Building an alter ego's story is what its coming to, my father is actually really nice. A good piece for me to write about is how I impersonated my principal on Facebook and all the trouble I got with that haha, but idk. I might do that one some day.

Please don't follow through with this irl.

Haha, will do.

I think you try to stuff too many words into your lines.

In our corrupt, bland, wrecked, dumb lives, even my smart yet bothered mind/

That's just one of a few in there. When all the lines are that long, by the time you get to the end rhyme you've forgotten the rhyme scheme. n'amean? It definitely hinders the flow. I would say cut your bars down to like 60-75% of your current lines.

You should really work on your multies too. You have alot of rhyme but most are one syllable.
For example "defective, folly life/exceptionally kind" is kind of a stretch. If it doesn't sound 100% natural in your head, it probably won't sound natural to the reader. Try something like "defective life/expect some strife/protect the rights/ the next to fight/respect the knife" see they sound natural and will make your flow even better.

I see you do something, alot of other new writers on here do- try to fit many small phrases into a line.

Will cock my gun… the reload stopped – Be strong! – with stone cold emotion/

You did that alot. Keep each bar to one coherent thought or phrase, and the reader will see it as smooth and not choppy. Plus it keeps the reader concentrated on the main thought of the story, not the sub-plot within each line.

You have potential keep writing

P.S. You're very good at portraying emotion. I could really feel it.

Thanks, I will cut down on the lines. Someone told me to make them longer so I did, I guess I over did it, I'll find a balance. And thanks for the compliments, means a lot.

you have some lines that don't flow well together to make sense, kinda sporatic at times, writing to much per line on them to make em rhyme better

overall, you got a good piece but it could be polished off to fit properly

Alright, I'll work on it.

Nah, I wasn't bullied haha. It's more of an alter ego persona in the works of being built. Only got one question: How should I progress from here?

Like Cosh said, shortening your lines might help. And don't "get lazy". Put out a product you like and nothing less than that.

Gotcha, next one going be a big improvement, that is once I start writing it haha

[WakeUpShow]

ok, remember if u have to choose, shorter lines are almost always gonna be the better choice.

[Man1x]

Alright, thanks Cosh

[Man1x]

^ Was already doing it before you posted that haha.

[Man1x]

And you'll hated my intro....

Anyway, thanks GameTheroy! If you want, do you wanna do a song?

[Man1x]

There is a topic in the lounge with the details. The subject is love crimes, if you don't want to do that one ill do a topic you wanna do, you choice