My second verse , emotional stuff, feedback please

[ShaBruv]

Feed http://www.forum.trshady.com./viewtopic.php?f=24&t=100336&sid=32224c3772018f1ac82904d427e08dba

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfDt5l9ileE&feature=fvst
To J Cole's Lights Please Beat


Yeah so as the title said a little bit about love they way you lie from a suicidal kids perspective,
i got inspired by a guy in my class who's mum put their dad in a coma over domestic abuse

It's a preview of a song im gonna do

Back then wasnt grateful for the fact i'm breathing
Back then pessimism was my favourite feeling
Sat there crying if only would they stop the screaming
Thoughts of dying, lonley wishing God would drop the ceiling.

Feeling lesser as i watched them keeling under pressure
Me the stresser, sit there watch them, weeping on my dresser
Dreams of somethin better, let them them creep in, no i never
Seems i aint together, all alone, my bleak forever

But for a sense of glory, i soldier on, end of story
As a pretence thats gory, this is my memento mori
People sent to cure me, but a penthouse just aint for me
Fuck a censored story homie this is pent up fury

Love the way you lie but right now i would love to die
Above you blundered, why, how the fuck is this shit justified
I got the crust o' life, wondered why the fuck i tried
Seems i'm stuck as Hyde, watching my Jekkyl side subside


Feedback please

[mcZu]

Not bad, I had problems flowing the third- and forth stanza, though. Vocab is pretty decent, had some pretty interesting phrasing, but also some mediocre phrasing. Kinda fluctuating. Message was clear, which is always good. You could try to do some more wordplay (something more creative than the cliche Jekyl and Hyde pun). Overall, not bad, stay writing.

[ShaBruv]

yeah i just re-read the 4th stanzah especially and it don't flow well at all]]]


again thanks for the feedback

[classthe_king]

When I was just straight up reading it I didn't think it flowed very well but when I turned on the beat it flowed perfectly so good job on the flow. I thought the last two lines were deffinitely the best two lines of the verse and ended it nicely. Good job man.

[Fa-Q]

Good drop man, youve been here awhile, how come you never drop? anyway good flow for a beginner, if you are truly a beginner. And good flow for even an experienced writer. Maybe expand your topics and maybe have more metaphors like that ceiling one....good drop