The Pen/ The Problem

[WakeUpShow]

You walk left as i continue to write,
You leave because you say it controls my mind.
I know I need to find time,
put the pen down, talk, and just recline.
I write about our relationship,
how we grow ever distant,
not knowing that this writing is the main cause of it.
You shake your head, because you can see the irony of it.
I'm arrogant, I write as if you are the main problem,
too blind to see that every night, you fall asleep with your pillow case sodden.
Finally i realize the errors of my way and put down the pen,
But it's too late because you've already left.
Now i feel a poem creeping up inside of me, i have to get it out because I'm feeling rotten.
I go to sit down, look for the pen, but realize it's no longer a pen, it's only a problem.

feedback: http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=103099

[MikeNUFC]

There were some nice poetic moments in there - "but realize it's no longer a pen, it's only a problem" was nice.

But your overall structure isn't that good. Cus your difference in syllables between one line and the next is so distant is makes it hard to flow and sounds really awkward, even if your just reading it. As it's a poem they dont have to match up perfect but they should be closer than what they are.

Rhyming is very simple as well, but cus this is more a poem than a rap so I see no problem in that.

It's a cool concept.

[WakeUpShow]

There were some nice poetic moments in there - "but realize it's no longer a pen, it's only a problem" was nice.

But your overall structure isn't that good. Cus your difference in syllables between one line and the next is so distant is makes it hard to flow and sounds really awkward, even if your just reading it. As it's a poem they dont have to match up perfect but they should be closer than what they are.

Rhyming is very simple as well, but cus this is more a poem than a rap so I see no problem in that.

It's a cool concept.

thanks alot for your feedback, i'll try to work on the syllables and structure

[mcZu]

Not bad, poetically it's not bad. Like Mike said, work a bit on your rhyming, structure wouldn't be a point if you were gonna record this. But as a written piece alone, you need to have a good structure, makes it easier to read for people. Keep working, if you love writing, don't stop writing. Experience is important in this craft..

[WakeUpShow]

Not bad, poetically it's not bad. Like Mike said, work a bit on your rhyming, structure wouldn't be a point if you were gonna record this. But as a written piece alone, you need to have a good structure, makes it easier to read for people. Keep working, if you love writing, don't stop writing. Experience is important in this craft..

thanks alot Zu