Whirled Peas

by **Maybe** » Apr 13th, '11, 00:32

Down for editing.

Feedback I've given:
http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=111356
http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php? ... 9&start=15

by **classthe_king** » Apr 13th, '11, 00:52

That was amazing, word choice was great as always and the ending was incredible, best part.

The only part I didn't really like was

and till I stitch it all together in the matter it deserves...
I will leave behind my mothers hands...
forget the psychics and the logic that would limit my departure,
I'll just live until your God gives me another chance...
now I'm sitting at the bar, watching all the silhouettes form,
in the illuminating smog, of the cigarette smoke...

Because to me nothing rhymed there but mothers hands and another chance...maybe I'm wrong though

by **Maybe** » Apr 13th, '11, 00:55

classthe_king wrote:That was amazing, word choice was great as always and the ending was incredible, best part.

The only part I didn't really like was

and till I stitch it all together in the matter it deserves...
I will leave behind my mothers hands...
forget the psychics and the logic that would limit my departure,
I'll just live until your God gives me another chance...
now I'm sitting at the bar, watching all the silhouettes form,
in the illuminating smog, of the cigarette smoke...

Because to me nothing rhymed there but mothers hands and another chance...maybe I'm wrong though

Thanks a lot man! Glad you enjoyed it.

About that part:

"forget the psychics and the logic
that would limit my departure,
I'll just live until your God... gives"

Those are internal rhymes, so I start with "mothers hands" and end in "another chance" letting the internals carry the extended sentence.

The silhouettes form and cigarette smoke are a slant rhyme. So is the fabric of the world and matter it deserves. I use those a lot because my speech pattern/accent allows it.

by **classthe_king** » Apr 13th, '11, 00:57

Oh, I actually heard those internals when I was reading it but for some reason wasn't able to notice it but I remember now lol.

Good shit then

by **Maybe** » Apr 13th, '11, 19:30

Thanks man ^^ Bump!!!!!!!!!!!!

by **Maybe** » Apr 13th, '11, 21:12

C.R.E.A.M wrote:You're a mod of this section, right ? #justasking

On-topic : This is great and it flows awesome , and i like your vocabulary on this, it's just incredible
Your multi-syllabic rhymes is also great man .. i was about to comment on a part but class quoted it and you explained it so i have only one comment

This is dope