"Seclusion"

[Block]

Haven't posted anything in a while, so I figured I'd give you guys a few verses to ponder over. Nothing special.


I'm staring down the world behind the filthy on a windowpane
I miss it as it drifts away, a different day could lift the haze
but it would say I'm still weak,
(it would say I'm filthy)..
and you would murmur anything as long as it would kill me
The, dirt provides a shelter from the storm of all the needles
that are piercing every inch of flesh, (when it's you I think of),
it's a mess and my patience are,
thinner than your paper heart..
soaking in the tears that you will scribble on and say it's art,
say it's part of every plan that you have ever made as far
as I'm concerned, 'break a heart' and 'razor sharp'
both fit the same...
I'm home sick..
dying for a place that I have never been alone with
surviving on a planet playing hostess to a death march of roaches
(as a protest to sanity)
as hopeless as the vanity you live by..
as broken as the mirrors never showing what you wanna see,
and honestly it's dead to me... (this is how it's gotta be)


draw another black box, covering the holes..
duct tape mascott, love me when it's over..
allow me to escape now.. (allow me to escape now)
I will never lay down.. (I will never lay down)
they'll find you where the wreckage is..
(they'll find you where the wreckage is..)
scarring as a tesiment..
Best to live regardless..
draw another black box,
(cover up the holes)
draw another black box and fill it til it folds


Peeling back the puncture wounds you sank into my neck and chin
(placebo affectionate)..
the way that I would let her in,
I'm severing the lines tying finite and never lived
(never given thought to what it cost to haul a severance)
across the hall is better when the pleasure isn't effortless,
(your sex-face is making the most beautiful of agonies)
a pre-scripted lullaby to nullify the damages
a universal tragedy, attractive but it saddens me
I'm handling a crown..
(of apathy and bitterness)
unhappy but a half of me would happily (you hand it down!)
Stand around the metronome to try & steal a melody
to save another soul before they call it (back to hell with me)
((to hell with me)) I'm... as angelic as her night stand
of needles, evil, even more placebo, in the right hands
affection she is saving for the right man's attention..
I would never get it.. You should never mention it..


draw another black box, covering the holes..
duct tape mascott, love me when it's over..
allow me to escape now.. (allow me to escape now)
I will never lay down.. (I will never lay down)
they'll find you where the wreckage is..
(they'll find you where the wreckage is..)
scarring as a tesiment..
Best to live regardless..
draw another black box,
(cover up the holes)
draw another black box and fill it til it folds

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=117007&p=1673886#p1673886
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=116770&p=1673899#p1673899

[ArsheyHaq]

I don't care what you say haha this WAS special. Everything to the chorus, I could tell, was well thought out. Personally, though, I think this piece would've been better recorded. A lot of the lines don't rhyme as well as they would if they were said out loud. On paper they seem kind of sloppy. Not to take away from the clever lines and remarkable rhyming. Here was my favorite part:

"Peeling back the puncture wounds you sank into my neck and chin
(placebo affectionate)..
the way that I would let her in,
I'm severing the lines tying finite and never lived
(never given thought to what it cost to haul a severance)
across the hall is better when the pleasure isn't effortless"

[Block]

Arshey, thanks for the kind words bro. I agree that my text 'structure' isn't the greatest, haha. I write everything in song form, with the intent to be recorded. So you will definitely hear this recorded in the not-so-distant future.

Again, thanks alot man.

[Block]

speed...

bump...



I'll return all feed given.

[WakeUpShow]

soaking in the tears that you will scribble on and say it's art,

lolwut.

great flow, and your vocab and word choice are top notch. I would love to hear this recorded.

[iain08]

I'm staring down the world behind the filthy on a windowpane

wut

[Block]

I'm staring down the world behind the filthy on a windowpane

wut

filth·y/ˈfilTHē/Adjective: Disgustingly dirty.
Adverb: To an extreme and often disgusting extent:


Obviously if I were to use correct grammar, I'd say 'filth' but 'filthy' flows/sounds a lot better. I'm not sure what you're trying to say by bolding that... ??


@CREAM: Thanks, man. This is going to be one of the first songs I record pretty soon here.
@Cosh: Thanks. And that part you quoted is supposed to say 'scribble in'. Makes more sense.

[Enimee]

i enjoy this sort of macabre, and dark feel in writing you definitite illustrate despair, and a wide range of other emotions very well in this fur sure, it makes for a more intense read if you can portray your thoughts like this with vocabulary and adjectives that really pinpoint the sort of gloom you were goin for.. reallly well done again i want to see more of this

[Block]

i enjoy this sort of macabre, and dark feel in writing you definitite illustrate despair, and a wide range of other emotions very well in this fur sure, it makes for a more intense read if you can portray your thoughts like this with vocabulary and adjectives that really pinpoint the sort of gloom you were goin for.. reallly well done again i want to see more of this

Thanks a lot, man. I appreciate it.

[Fa-Q]

amazing man. I'm loving how you kinda argue with your conscious in this, least thats how I read it, which went against the traditional sense of a song like this. And the chorus is Bravo, I can see someone epic on it...like some really powerful girl's voice like Christina Aguilera...good piece, keep dropping these