Flight 103

[EyeQ200]

I've decided to drop my first solo peice here, it's story telling & isn't that strong of a peice.. but here goes:

*DING DONG*
'Flight 103 departs in 15 minutes'

I take a look around the airport, what the fuck do i see?
Three attendants looking aware, sorta eyeballing me icily.
I tell them 'search me, man, you ain't gon' find shit!'
So they commit to searching me down, it's cool, i designed it
I know the system, they acquit me and i boarded my flight
12 hours right? i'll start to apply my takeover bid by 'night
next to the leather suitcase, i pretended to tie up my shoelace,
With true grace, pull outta my sock a tube of toothpaste,
mix it with some blue trace, battery acid and vermouth waste,
Stood to my feet, bout to turn this plane to ashes in outer space,
Give the bodies rashes, indentifyably by only their nashers,
People singing church songs nearly as bad as Natasha's,
But i don't give a fuck for them, this is my mission,
dreaming premonitions, to cause destruction and demolisions,
In the name of my country, I was fucking ready to fight,
I was disposable but now in full swing deadly in flight.

Feed: http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?p=1681955#p1681955

[classthe_king]

This was alright, I really liked the suitcase, shoelace, true grace, toothpaste rhymes. You need to do more like those. As a story telling piece this was pretty bland though, you need to give it some kind of ending or the whole story is just kinda pointless.

[EyeQ200]

Thanks a lot, yeah I know what you mean about it being bland for a story, it was meant to be a two sided piece but I kinda just lost the ambition to carry it on, thanks for the feed

[dR3]

Really nice drop, the only thing that lacks is as Class said, a strong/definite ending. It would make the whole story a lot better.

Rhymes and vocab were nice, and the structure is nearly perfect. Keep it up!

[EyeQ200]

Yeah I need to work on that next time I try a story, I think everyone will pick up the same thing haha, but thanks a lot for the advise and feed

[EyeQ200]

Will do my friend

[VenomBlackViper]

Nice to see you start bringing them multis, aside from the story not having a real ending though a few of the rhymes you used felt like they were put there just to rhyme & were a bit unclear such as "eyeballing me icily" & the end rhymes of these 4 bars

mix it with some blue trace, battery acid and vermouth waste,
Stood to my feet, bout to turn this plane to ashes in outer space,
Give the bodies rashes, indentifyably by only their nashers,
People singing church songs nearly as bad as Natasha's,

leaves people wondering shit like "what's vermouth waste" "since when do planes fly in outer space" "what's a nasher" & "who's Natasha" so again when using multis make sure you use them in a clear manner rather than rhyming for the fuck of it or reaching.

The part before that with the toothpaste rhyme scheme was great though, you're showing improvement & you get better with every piece you drop.

[ArsheyHaq]

I agree with pretty much all of what VBV said. I understand that it wasn't "that strong of a piece", so I won't be too harsh on you. The rhyming was decent, especially since it was your first attempt at multis. Keep rhyming and try to incorporate some pay off at the end of the verse/song for the readers, so they feel satisfied to some extent.