This Misadventures of Pattlez

[JamaicanPattlez]

Now, I know I've posted like 3 counting now in this forum for this, but I REALLY want improvement and criticism over my work. Hopefully I'm not annoying you guys with my shit. :P

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=118599


I'm a lyrical bomb, and a satirical pawn,
I have fear of a Con and loves a beer and a bong,
Fuck that, I get high by sniffing dry wall and bleach,
Chuck Black's getting vibes so I wanna try calling the geek,
Tell I'm invading the castle, I'm debating on being an asshole,
While I'm mating with the vassal, I'm masturbating on her tassels,
Shit wait, is this Rapunzel? A stupid bitch, how great!
This mate wants to do a puzzle, lucid witch, but wait!
Learned she's got a bush, I'm not in the mood to go floss,
And she burned the damn kush, and gave some food to Rick Ross,
Killed her with the guillotine, I'm mean and pretty obscene,
Well I'm pretty extreme, I ate that shit with cookies and cream,
I take a shit in the lake, great, there goes Aquaman,
I gotta admit, I was baked, made me go pop a fag,
Richard Simmons having sex, now that shit sucks,
He's a pitcher halving success, he fucks with schmucks.


Now this here's the tale of good ol' Pattlez,
This dude right here's so fond of battles,
Controversial ain't his thing, nah he's just crazy,
While he was in church, he was screaming Shady,
He takes 10 Tylenol, he's thinking "That's Pregame"
Somebody calls the cops, cause this dude's insane.

Criticism is welcome. For this one here, I just let words flow. I had fun with this, and I didn't really have to think as hard as the last two ones. Either I'm improving, or this was half-assed and I still gotta think more. Anyway! Here you guys go.

[Mr Change]

Reminds me of Relapse lyrics

[Innovation]

Firstly, the first verse had some pretty good rhyming. Your multi's were solid throughout the first verse. One thing I would recommend is try to improve your transitioning from one set of rhymes to another. This is actually something I have been trying to improve myself.

Here's what I mean:

I'm a lyrical bomb, and a satirical pawn,
I have fear of a Con and loves a beer and a bong,

Fuck that, I get high by sniffing dry wall and bleach,
Chuck Black's getting vibes so I wanna try calling the geek,

At the top you have one set of rhymes which work together. Lyrical bomb/satirical pawn/fear of a con/beer and a bomb.

Then, you go into the next set of rhymes: dry wall and bleach/try calling the geek rhymes but there was no transition into it. What I mean by transition is put another multi in the next line where you mix up the rhyming so it flows better.

Example:

I have fear of a Con and loves a beer and a bong,
Here is a song, fuck that, I get high by sniffing dry wall and bleach,
Chuck Black's getting vibes so I wanna try calling the geek,

I added a random multi which makes no sense, but it's just for demonstrational purposes. Then your rhyme transitions better which holds the flow. I hope that that makes sense.

Other than that, pretty good piece bro. I like some of the internal rhyming you have going on, too.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Firstly, the first verse had some pretty good rhyming. Your multi's were solid throughout the first verse. One thing I would recommend is try to improve your transitioning from one set of rhymes to another. This is actually something I have been trying to improve myself.

Here's what I mean:

I'm a lyrical bomb, and a satirical pawn,
I have fear of a Con and loves a beer and a bong,

Fuck that, I get high by sniffing dry wall and bleach,
Chuck Black's getting vibes so I wanna try calling the geek,

At the top you have one set of rhymes which work together. Lyrical bomb/satirical pawn/fear of a con/beer and a bomb.

Then, you go into the next set of rhymes: dry wall and bleach/try calling the geek rhymes but there was no transition into it. What I mean by transition is put another multi in the next line where you mix up the rhyming so it flows better.

Example:

I have fear of a Con and loves a beer and a bong,
Here is a song, fuck that, I get high by sniffing dry wall and bleach,
Chuck Black's getting vibes so I wanna try calling the geek,

I added a random multi which makes no sense, but it's just for demonstrational purposes. Then your rhyme transitions better which holds the flow. I hope that that makes sense.

Other than that, pretty good piece bro. I like some of the internal rhyming you have going on, too.

Thank you so much for the feedback, you guys! I sorta understand. One question though. In the example you posted with the transition.. to me, it didn't really sound right. Not sense-wise, but it didn't really flow. Is that basically due to a flow you had in your head, or am I overthinking things? :P Regardless, I'm going to take this and apply it.

Reminds me of Relapse lyrics

For me, Relapse is where I get a lot of my writing style, since I love what Em did in the album. I also try to take a bit of TES into my stuff as well, as a bit of my own flare with other emcees. Glad you noticed!

^^ Basically that. Much better than your last piece in terms of rhyming

Thanks, man! I worked hard on this one, I REALLY want the improvement!