Help me with some verses..

[Trimss]

Hello y'all!

So I write sometimes, well i write a lot, but i don't speak fluent english yet, it doesn't sound as good as most of you. So imma just put hmm.. let's say, three verses i wrote here and you'll tell me which one you prefer. If that doesn't bother you..

It's from different songs though. I accept criticism as long as you don't slaughter me for the heck of it lmao.

My back hurts and the pain that i feel
is great when i can afford to pay my meal,
Isn't it enough to throw you my heart,
Cuz' i have nothing but tears to give,
when life tears me apart,
my brain thinks it's not fair to live
i hit the bottom but i'm still' diggin,
how could i be lower, the cup is spillin,
rugged, hustle isn't only for thugs, spittin'
makes me feel better, a therapy, other,
wise i would have been steadily smothered i,
burst, fuck-a nurse, it hurts,
Struck a nerve, i'm cursed,
Can't stop till' I blurt, i swear, i curse,
the t-shirt i wear just has burst,
my head swirls, my world twirls,
sure, I wanna grab a medic, sadistik
I wanna stab my headache, madness picked,
My pen is sick, i need someone to spit with, quick

[intro]You get the vibe you feelin' it,
Lg tellin why he killin' it,
silly bitch actin' really bad.......

[verse]
Is he mad, is he sad?
All he knows he's under ya bed,
understand? See tha(t) man?
He's wasted, he burps my can,
dirt in hand, bad thoughts in his brain,
music mad loud, part of this game,
I miss fame, but it's not like i tasted it
Took a public and amazed it,
Threw his dick on the first vagina cuz he's lazed
Okay, now I burst I think I,m seeing some lays,
a razor blade and the pression raised,
He's mixing his lays with some mayonnaise,
took that bitch head in lot of ways,
and threw on his plate
The mixure is great, the mister ate
he must lay, sleepin' cuz he's fed up
what up, his stomach is f-up
now the aches are comin',
the axe are grabbed and, he stabbed him-
self, yeah the guy needed some help
Bang, the bum fell
broke his thumb, ew
but before he went away,
he choked his mum, hell
it's not a big loss, she didn't even know how to spell..
he woke up in a snow cold cell,
Instead of puttin' on a dope flow he yells,
Now he tells how this low dwells,
he misses one toe and smells,
Being stupid and low? He excels
He crushes his head on the wall,
but all he wants is to get raw,
This motherfucker's dead now

Keep your phone ringing',
while I Stay at home singing,
This friendship is sinking,
Fuck my band, shit is sneaking
Use to be all good with my homies,
But the hood make them bitches slowly,
If only, i could see 'em again,
reminiscin' how we would spend,
days together, my good friends,
It may be better to have a rude end,
If only I knew man, how money,
can turn your friend into ennemies,
But who gives a fuck, i guarantee
my destiny fantasy is fucking two ebonies,
I commit a felony, in a cold night
i use to hold tight my nine, near the weaponry
After a coke line and before some dope rhymes,
my jealousy was gettin bigger than my empathy,
i pushed the trigger and heard its melody,
Death is the worst penalty,
i'll get but the cops won't find me,
I started running away from this crime scene,
I wanted it dry clean but i was just nineteen,
Fuck this, i ain't no time to waste now,
you know what I mean..

Here it is. Could you tell me which one is better lyrics wise, multi (i think there are some of it.. not a lot though, i'm still practicing)

Thank you, this is really important for me.

Oh and since there are three verses, i'll give 3 feeds.

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122031 VBV and Eye-Q
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=121695 Lyrical Trinity
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122046 and Eedee..

[Trimss]

Oh yeah.. I really never paid attention the syllables..I will certainly do now. Thank you very much for providing examples and taking your time to feed me and not sleep instead lol

I'll return you the favor when you'll drop that otis remix

Thanks!

[Eedee]

I like the third verse myself.

Also, the end of the second verse it rhymes "raw/now" if you use an accent or something when you say it, it'll rhyme, but if you don't, it'll sound weird.

Otherwise, you show some promise! Nice work, man.

Could you please return the favor? Thanks! viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122046

[SliK]

Hey bro, good pieces, especially for someone not fluent in English!

First of all, I think your first verse is my favorite. I think the content in your work is good, the flow isn't bad really. Like someone said it's important to match syllables (all your bars should have roughly the same amount and ANY multi you do should ALWAYS have the same amount). Examples of this have already been given though so you know what I'm talking about.

I liked them though, keep practicing and you'll be a great writer. Just focus on them syllables.

If you want to feed I think I still have a piece on the front page, but no biggie if you can't find the time

Oh and out of interest, do you write in your native language?

[Trimss]

@Eedee: Thank you, yeah, basically i wrote "naw" just to tell that I use "sort of" an accent to rhyme, but yeah you're right. I'm checking your link as I write, i'll give a quick feed because i'm not the best at feeding.

@SliK: Yes i'll definitely check my syllables next time I write something.
Thanks you for the kind words lol

I'll check your your piece immediately.

And yeah I can write in 3 languages like I write in English but i don't really do it because i'd rather learn to talk, write and rap in english then learn for the 3 languages at the same time.
Plus English is the most beautiful language for rap so..