Took all of the advice, and this is what happened.

[Eedee]

After reading, listening and talking all night and taking all the advice that was given in the feedbacks, I decided to write a verse with flow, multi's and some dope vocab. Hopefully this does all that advice justice!!

Pass the pen this way, grasp the shit, distaste
Yeah that's what I say when I go and piss in your face.
I'm hungrier in this game like all my life I've been depraved,
I just replaced this line with this one, it sucked so I just erased.
There's nothing worth munching, I have a hunch for a clever punchline,
I'm more clutch than a car with a stick, or Kobe Bryant in crunchtime.
My rhymes are on target like a Navy Seal sniper,
You hit below the Belt like a negative coordinate Kuiper!
My dick is the Bible, want me to put in a Good Word for ya?
You don't knead it, dough you? Olive juice, girl, I implore ya!
Back off, motherfucker, like I'm skinning your spine,
Calling you out, bitch, like I'm ringing your line,
Clothesline you bitch, yeah, I'm wringing your line!
Having a yard sale, I'll take that clock, I'm buying time,
Grindin' till I die, fine tuning rhymes, am I aligned?
No need to ask again or else I'll totally destroy your life.
Your judgement is clouded, yeah, your eyesight is fogged,
Cuz you just can't see that what you're doing is really pissing me off!
I'm flying high, like I was one of the chosen during the Rapturing,
There's a fracture in time, while it's stopped, I'll capture this.

Link of Feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=121075&start=15

[JamaicanPattlez]

LOTS better! Hmmm.. one thing though. Make the whole thing flow with each other. I noticed strong flow in places, but weaker in others. That said, good job. And Jeezus, it sounds completely different! I liked it, and the vocabulary is impressive! Make flow real well, and you're set.

[Eedee]

LOTS better! Hmmm.. one thing though. Make the whole thing flow with each other. I noticed strong flow in places, but weaker in others. That said, good job. And Jeezus, it sounds completely different! I liked it, and the vocabulary is impressive! Make flow real well, and you're set.

God damn it it's always my flow! Haha. Son of a....

[JamaicanPattlez]

LOTS better! Hmmm.. one thing though. Make the whole thing flow with each other. I noticed strong flow in places, but weaker in others. That said, good job. And Jeezus, it sounds completely different! I liked it, and the vocabulary is impressive! Make flow real well, and you're set.

God damn it it's always my flow! Haha. Son of a....

On the plus though, I read this, and for some reason Cinderella Man came to mind. I felt this screamed (no pun int- wait...) Recovery!

[Eedee]

LOTS better! Hmmm.. one thing though. Make the whole thing flow with each other. I noticed strong flow in places, but weaker in others. That said, good job. And Jeezus, it sounds completely different! I liked it, and the vocabulary is impressive! Make flow real well, and you're set.

God damn it it's always my flow! Haha. Son of a....

On the plus though, I read this, and for some reason Cinderella Man came to mind. I felt this screamed (no pun int- wait...) Recovery!

Cinderella Man huh? Interesting...

That's a compliment in my eyes because CM is fuckin' awesome.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Idunno, when I finished, the beat kicked in, then the chorus.

It should be though! Also, try using more clever wit in lyrics besides straight punchlines! Just my suggestion!

[Eedee]

Don't worry. I have loads of clever wordplay stacked up in a notepad. I don't wanna use them until me and my producer work on the track that they're used in. But yeah. Punchlines and wordplay abundant. I love thinking of this stuff. It's a great feeling when you make up a punchline or wordplay. Sort of a high, I guess haha. Whatever. Thanks for all feedback and advice though man. Appreciate your time!

[JamaicanPattlez]

Don't worry. I have loads of clever wordplay stacked up in a notepad. I don't wanna use them until me and my producer work on the track that they're used in. But yeah. Punchlines and wordplay abundant. I love thinking of this stuff. It's a great feeling when you make up a punchline or wordplay. Sort of a high, I guess haha. Whatever. Thanks for all feedback and advice though man. Appreciate your time!

By all means, use what you use! Ludacris is known for punchlines! No worries though. I plan on recording soon too!

[Eedee]

Don't worry. I have loads of clever wordplay stacked up in a notepad. I don't wanna use them until me and my producer work on the track that they're used in. But yeah. Punchlines and wordplay abundant. I love thinking of this stuff. It's a great feeling when you make up a punchline or wordplay. Sort of a high, I guess haha. Whatever. Thanks for all feedback and advice though man. Appreciate your time!

By all means, use what you use! Ludacris is known for punchlines! No worries though. I plan on recording soon too!

Awesome! I'll be sure to give it a listen and do feedback for ya man. I have mad respect for you!

[Sam.]

Obv there is some hard work in this ,it's visible in this but the multis don't seem to operate very well,for a text piece some words did not rhyme ,see to that ,too many big words you used ,nothing wrong to that but if you happen to record this ,flowing over those words would be difficult,rest is fine .

[Eedee]

Obv there is some hard work in this ,it's visible in this but the multis don't seem to operate very well,for a text piece some words did not rhyme ,see to that ,too many big words you used ,nothing wrong to that but if you happen to record this ,flowing over those words would be difficult,rest is fine .

Thanks! I honestly doubt I'll record this. This was just practice. I might keep some of the punchlines, but other than that, I don't think I'll be able to fit this into a beat.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Don't worry. I have loads of clever wordplay stacked up in a notepad. I don't wanna use them until me and my producer work on the track that they're used in. But yeah. Punchlines and wordplay abundant. I love thinking of this stuff. It's a great feeling when you make up a punchline or wordplay. Sort of a high, I guess haha. Whatever. Thanks for all feedback and advice though man. Appreciate your time!

By all means, use what you use! Ludacris is known for punchlines! No worries though. I plan on recording soon too!

Awesome! I'll be sure to give it a listen and do feedback for ya man. I have mad respect for you!

Thanks man! I co-sign what Sam says. Take a bit, fix'r up, and let's see what you get!

[Eedee]

Will do. I'll do it right now and edit the original post!

Just edited it! I think it flows quite nicely now actually!

[SliK]

Massive improvement. Some nice multis, punches, content wad good for the type of piece it is. It has been mentioned the flow just seemed off (only now and then). I think it would only take some minor tweaking to take this from a good piece to a great one.