Pain

[FlintSpark]

Pain. What is pain?
Pain can be rain on a spring day
Jaged or Jaded, Being Discriminated
Hated, A mom losing her son to someone wasted
A brilliant mind wasted
Traced in the Mom's eyes is tears but why?
That is pain. (Intro)

Its a Joke thinking you'll go threw your life without it,
Its not like i haven't, its made me so crazy i shout it
See my life was fine until a boy thought my sister fine
and that's where the line between fine and asinine intertwined
Because he raped her. My mind slurred, heart burred, eyes blurred (think cold on heart burred)
I cured, but its something my ears should've never heard.
It was absurd, i thought pain was never so hard,
my thoughts jarred, my life was forever scared,
But my life went on eventually,you see,
I met this girl and i was going to have a baby,
but maybe its my misfortune not to be happy,
ask me what happened and I'll burst into tears
thinking of the years my kid, forever hid,
never had in this world my mind was thrown in abyss
See me and my sis never the same
i went threw metal depression it was insane,
The chain i was dragged along was named pain,
My soul was slain and drained while my thoughts severed
and i was about to get passed the stormy weather,
but whether i try or not, I'm stuck in a knot,
My sister beaten forgot, was about to let her body rot,
Dismissed the vitality of life, no ability to thrive
She was about to pay the ultimate price
She took a couple pills, so she needs no more chills
Or reality that spills into her stressed out will
Aching her at night and that will lost its fight,
with all her might, she gives up with freight.
The next day i find her in the hospital puking, mind shut,
i wonder should i just give up? I have no more strut
As i try to talk to my sis, she insist to the door, get the gist,
I try to assist but I'm just dismissed, I'm pissed,
Do you truly know what pain is? What it is and how it lives?
You Probably do, but if your having a bad day know,
Someone has it worse then you so try to be bold
And have people with whom to console,
Shit I made it and I'm only 15 years old

Feed:viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122259
Not trying to make a structured verse either just one long one with no chorus or something along those lines.

[FlintSpark]

Bump. Any criticism would be appreciated.

[MikeNUFC]

I liked the intro (If I Had infllenced?). Well, firstly, I couldn't find a flow and it seemed really choppy to read. Although the rhyming overall is quite basic, you have some nice monosyllabic internals, which, although simple, aid the peice sonically and make it more enjoyable. The ending came out nice as well.

Try and fix up your structure a bit so it's easy on text to read. Try and take out/add a few syllables in places so when you a read a couplet, it comes out smoother and more natural. Then work on your rhyming - doesn't have to be ridiculously complex, just slip in a few 2/3-syllable rhymes where you can which, with your assonance/cossance, will help the piece 'sound' much better.

[FlintSpark]

Thanks yeah this is my first take on structure. I did notice the simple rhyming but i thought i would let it slide for this bit. I will try to work on multies though