Hip-Hop Hit Man (Work In Progress)

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

my last version of this didn't deliver cos the idea of it came into play as i was writing it.. I'm still writing this one but i don't get a chance to write too often and just wanted feedback on what i got so far so... feedback would be very appreciated

(Intro)
This is raw hip hop and the saw don't stop
Ima slaughter till i drop, gimme water and a mop
You're a fish and a flop and a mess I'm gonna pop!
Here's a dish of my crop, you'd be blessed if you topped.. it

(Verse)
These are the words of a man whose mind cries poverty
Cause honestly, I don't think anyone out is hot as me
Seize what you heard then assure me it's not robbery
How I heartily, craft ear sinking art in such harmony
Squeezing three thirds a triumph with prevailing prodigy
Yet wannabe, artist who stink hit the fucking lottery
Jesus I'm stirred, time to plot, whatta ya spot? Not mercy
But monstrosity, deep in the drink of a monstrous spree
motivating me, to perpetrate hopicide, also called cannicide
Cause my pride, my songs are magical, rappers turn cannibals
It's tangible! you can see the bites! In every piece they write!
(To be continued)

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122598&p=1730425#p1730425

[Man1x]

Woah, good vocabulary, good rhymes, good flow. Can't wait to see more. I also loved that build up man, you exploded on those last lines in terms of rhymes.

[BumShiv]

damn bro lol good piece of work Had me going to google to look up words lol. I really liked this. I literally was thinking of how this song would go if it was recorded, with the beat and everything. Thats a really good thing lol

These are the words of a man whose mind cries poverty
Cause honestly, I don't think anyone out is hot as me
Seize what you heard then assure me it's not robbery
How I heartily, craft ear sinking art in such harmony
Squeezing three thirds a triumph with prevailing prodigy
Yet wannabe, artist who stink hit the fucking lottery

those lines where straight up fire and the ending went hard as well. Keep it up and try to make the rest of the piece as fire as what ive seen lmao. goodshit

please return some feedback on this beat i made
viewtopic.php?f=69&t=123200

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

Woah, good vocabulary, good rhymes, good flow. Can't wait to see more. I also loved that build up man, you exploded on those last lines in terms of rhymes.

thanks man, i actually plan to record this too once its finished

damn bro lol good piece of work Had me going to google to look up words lol. I really liked this. I literally was thinking of how this song would go if it was recorded, with the beat and everything. Thats a really good thing lol

These are the words of a man whose mind cries poverty
Cause honestly, I don't think anyone out is hot as me
Seize what you heard then assure me it's not robbery
How I heartily, craft ear sinking art in such harmony
Squeezing three thirds a triumph with prevailing prodigy
Yet wannabe, artist who stink hit the fucking lottery

those lines where straight up fire and the ending went hard as well. Keep it up and try to make the rest of the piece as fire as what ive seen lmao. goodshit

thanks man glad you liked it.. trying to make the beat right now actually haha

BUMPPPPPPPPPP

[MikeNUFC]

To be honest, this just sounded like you were using stronger vocab for the sake of it; it makes sense, but comes across a bit indulgent. The rhyming was really nothing that special and the sudden switch in your rhyme placement at the end felt really weird.

I liked the first line and the use of the 'm' sound through a few bars was nice, as well as the 'a' sound near the end. This has potential, but it's not quite there.