Spite (Random Piece)

[JamaicanPattlez]

I kill with Hannibal Lecter, we roam in a terrible sector,
Blood is a cannibal's nectar, and I sit in the chair of a leper,
And the hand of Zephyr's better than a man with a terrible pleasure,
Cause God's art brings out pleasure while other gives careful pressure,
See to believe me, you'd have to keep me under surveillance,
So I can steal keys under your feet and cause blunderful weigh-ins,
Wonderful patience I contain, but blame your dame when I complain,
About how I went insane with claims, so ask your girl about my name,
She had the nerve to ask a nerd what's a predicate and a verb,
I looked at her so stern, and said " medicate after you burn",
My mind's so erratic and now I start to panic,
And speak Spanish while a fat bitch hides in the attic,
I'm so drastic, but I'm like a matchstick to plastic,
So get blasted, get your hands ripped AND your ass kicked,
Now I'm past it, and like the Aztecs, you're old history,
I know you ain't bad shit, so here's chapstick and Listerine.

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=123848

[JamaicanPattlez]

Bump!

[Man1x]

Good flow, rhymes, and vocabulary. Really liked the cannibals nectar/blood thing, I would have never thought of that.

Feed?: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=124502

[JamaicanPattlez]

Good flow, rhymes, and vocabulary. Really liked the cannibals nectar/blood thing, I would have never thought of that.

Feed?: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=124502

Thanks man! Yeah haha. I read the dictionary, so my creativity has risen a bit. I like that line a lot!

[JamaicanPattlez]

Haha I think YOU were listening to Relapse man.

This was dope. Best I've seen from you I think. Great vocab, flow, delivery (well, my delivery as I read it was dope hahaha)

I like this, keep it up.

Haha, not gonna lie, I was! Thanks a lot man! (My delivery helped too! Ahaha.) Anything to improve on?

[JamaicanPattlez]

Try not to re-use words in the same rhyme scheme. You used terrible twice in the 1st rhyme scheme.

Other than that, nothing I can think of.

Yeah, I couldn't think of a word. I think reading the dictionary will help.

[Man1x]

If read the dictionary but that's just so time consuming. I think I'll do it once I'm back in school during class

[JamaicanPattlez]

If read the dictionary but that's just so time consuming. I think I'll do it once I'm back in school during class

Yeah, it's hard to keep focused but you just gotta force yourself to do it, really.

[Lateralus]

I like it. You've got an excellent grasp on rhyming. I particularly like the way you structured the last six lines and switched the rhythm and pace of the rhyming up. As in, instead of focusing on one long multi at the end of a line, you changed to some rapid two syllable rhyming. I think that's an important skill to keeping a verse interesting and something that SSLP-era Eminem did really well.

I also love the dark theme you've got going on. You use words which conjure up some vivid imagery. And the flow is next to perfect.

The only real criticism I'd have is that at times it seems like you're trying too hard to get a multi and making some of the language sound unnatural as a result. For example, the blunderful weigh-in/under surveillance line. I think this might be because you're trying to get a perfect multi with similar sounding/structured words, which is ideal when it works out, but it severely limits the amount of words you have to use.

What I've started doing (and I think it's resulted in more natural sounding verses) is only worrying about rhyming the important vowel sounds and really stretching the rhyme. So for example, for blundering weigh-ins, I'd think the blUN and wEIgh would be the syllables to stress. So you could then use things like "sOMEthing amAzing"/"gUns are a-blAzing"/"dUmb little Asians" etc.

This opens up your options to a far wider selection of words and will give you more freedom to make the language seem more natural.

Haha, sorry if that's a concept you already understand and I'm wasting your time with this essay, but I figure sharing writing techniques is what this section's all about, y'dig!? But dope verse! Keep it up!

[JamaicanPattlez]

I had some sort of idea, but thank you for exploring more into that! Greatly appreciated, I actually deeply enjoy reading criticism like this, it really gives me a feel for what I should work on.

[Spyder]

nice multies with a nice vocab, felt like you were trying a little too hard and came out very verbose
but had a nice flow to it that i instanly caught on too.

id like to see you write something with some meaning so i can asses you better, but this piece was pretty good

[JamaicanPattlez]

I've definitely been working on that! I'll be putting something out soon.