Forensics Verse

[Words]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=133175
Wrote a verse using vocabulary from my forensics class for extra credit

Bloodspatter and footprints,
Fresh as the fresh prince,
Lip prints and virus-ed microchips.
This is the evidence that forensic detectives,
Use to arrest men accused of crimes that-
Scenes can be over an acre wide
Or even to small for the naked eye
(First Responder Speaking:)
"Oh my god a dead guy!
He got a bullet through his eye
and found the slug lodged in a bike tire!
This killer is almost worse than Mike Meyers!"
Another victim had his brains bashed in
While he was watching M*A*S*H half past 10,
just sitting in his chair relax'n.
Or this crime scene, it was quite the scene
"Body was found at 10:13,
no wounds, possible poisoning or overdose?"
On what- the drug Charlie Sheen

[Jdubem]

haha nice pretty funny ending it with Charlie Sheen thing and the rhyming was good on some parts where it stood out. Only part I wasnt really feeling was bars 3 and 4, but I guess you were setting up the next rhyme and that got your forensics vocab in there too. Overall pretty solid

[Sam.]

Nice story and rhyming bro but the flow was way off ,that pissed me off.

[Words]

The bars were too short which crippled your rhymes and your flow a lot. It sounds like this was a freestyle, and if it was, you need to specify, because if I'm supposed to think this is a piece you worked really hard on, I'm going to critique it that way.

Extend your bars. Maybe write to a beat to help keep your flow on point.

On the positive side it was decent story telling and reminded me of Drug Ballad when the First Responder started speaking. Kinda like the voice Em uses in the 1st verse.

And I'd suggest making it longer next time. Sure it's probably looking like 16 lines, but if you were to rap this on a beat you'd probably come out with around 8 bars.

It should just be structured better actually.

Bloodspatter and footprints, fresh as the fresh prince,
Lip prints and virus-ed microchips. this is the evidence that forensic detectives,
Use to arrest men accused of crimes that- scenes can be over an acre wide
Or even to small for the naked eye...

Or something.

It wasn't a free style but I didn't work extremely hard on it, took me like, 10-15 minutes in class, ty for feed though

[Sam.]

Props Geno ,for saying what I actually wanted to say in the 1st place.Words ,dude ,the flow actually pissed me so much that I refrained from giving lengthy feed.Sorry.

[Words]

I guess flow was better verbally, looking back on it it looks real messy in text