Newer Writing Experiment #4

[JamaicanPattlez]

My name is P****** ****, and I'm known to unhook your bra,
With my jaw, massive claws at my home while I took your car,
I can't get laid so I just slip shit in your drink,
That's what I did to my maid, the stupid bitch's in my sink,
I've got a boner about the size of a truck,
And I never got homers but I might get some luck,
Everybody wants hot girls with curves,
Fuck it, I'ma date a fat bird named Merv,
And we'll have erotic silky dinners with Twinkies,
Then bring a prostitute with a finicky intern, oh Jinkies!
I'm so fat, the Earth's Equator's my belt,
Maybe that's why the world's such a major hind welt,
I have a rare condition and I seem to shit out pugs,
I think it's fair tradition that I plan to bitch out thugs
Hip Hop's gone from the most elite to Bieber,
It's not long before we go from Lil B to Yeater.

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=133407

[Sam.]

I'm so fat, the Earth's Equator's my belt,

Fucking killed it with line alone man. Dope punch line, pretty innovative, it’s something that I would expect some from “Rhyme Asylum” would say.

I liked the point of view with which you wrote this i.e. you assumed the character as yourself and not from a third person point of view. What I mean is you didn’t say that he is this, he is that but I’m this ~ get it. Why I’m saying this is that no one in their Raps says that they can’t get laid, no one likes to pull pun on themselves.

I had little problems with the flow at places, iunno but even though the Vocab was good, but sometimes the words are too uncommon and hard to make up the correct pronounciation, nahmean?

I'm talking about this part in particular.

And we'll have erotic silky dinners with Twinkies,
Then bring a prostitute with a finicky intern, oh Jinkies!

[autotooner]

good stuff, I also liked how you wrote from a first person point of view. I was gonna say something about no mulitis, but when I reread it I picked up on a couple of them.

[JamaicanPattlez]

It was pretty good. I thought some lines were a little corny and kinda dumb like the "merv" line and "jinkies" lol.

Other than that it was pretty great. I'd suggest taking more time to select better words to use. Sometimes with the word choice, it hinders the flow a little. I got thrown off at points and had to start again. I got it though so no worries there.

Thanks. Well, those lines were meant to be wacky and goofy, since like the entire verse was very zany haha. Plus I hate using intricate words that I'll probably never use in a regular conversation. I get you though.


@Sam: You completely got it. I wanted to be more ballsy with my lines, so I did that. Also.. I did that because A) I can take the piss out of myself and not care, and B) I thought it was amazing. But yeah, I suppose I gotta rework the flow.

And haha there plenty of multis!

[Sam.]

It was amazing so ?

[JamaicanPattlez]

It was amazing so ?

Nah, I'm not saying anything lol, I'm just always looking for ways to grow.