[Track 5] Fly Away II

[J.R.]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145982

(The Choruses are supposed to be edited)

[Intro/Chorus]
Some People wonder;
Where I've been Lately,
Where I fell off to,
And who could save me.
I hid in the back ground,
I don't back down,
So don't get it twisted,
Trying to face me..
First I come out, they underrate me.
Then I come back, they still try and hate me.
They say I’m nasty, say I’m crazy
Ask what I think, I say maybe
I fly away
It ain’t nothin’ in my way so I may aswell fly away
It ain’t nothin’ else to say so I may aswell fly away
I know you wanna see me down but we aint gon die today
Cos I’ve been to the top and there’s nowhere else to go
The only way to see me is if you lookin’ up from down below
And there’s nothin’ else to say so I may aswell fly away
And there’s nothin’ in my way so I may aswell fly away
I’m on top of this thing so i may aswell fly away

Verse 1
I was fighting for my writing skill back,
Clawin and biting, taking piss as a snack,
tryin to fight back, I strike back, just like that,
Right jack? Syke, crap. Now I'm stuck, trapped.
I'm fucked, rap, Once again, A friend and a nightmare.
It sucks ass, whenever I need a hand its right there.
I know if I'm ever exsposed it'll bite bare.
Whenever it strikes it'll leave me to die there.
But I've chosen to fight, not die without cares.
Maybe One day when the time comes, But when I'm done,
I'm gonna make sure I've won, I'll be no bum,
I'll glaze in the sun, ain't a chum.
Give me a crum, I'll make it a fund.
So all you haters can run, quick.
Oh shit, all the fakers look dumb bitch.
I'm stitched, gave my all to battle I'm in.

Chorus

Verse 2
Sick of being treated as second class rap,
you all see me as defeated basic ass trash
well fuck it i'm back and i proved it,
hell i improved and i just gotta keep it smooth shit.
Found my groove then I stuck to my guns,
Then I blew when I struck with the puns.
Tie my shoes, drink some rum, ready to fight
grab the mic, sing alone, every due night..
Fly to the heavens as i strike these chords.
Strike yours too, thought I'd be nice? please whore!
Do you see my score, or do you just not notice?
Cause everyone on the floor just knows I'm the dopest.
And if you can't beat me, let's see how far your hoe gets,
and if you stomp off mad to your car pissed at me,
know I'll chomp you bad, you little sissy G.
So just fly away and get off my D.

-Chorus-

[Mr.DGAF]

Whoa. This is a huge improvement man. The multies are actually rather consistent. It kinda went overload a bit on the "Syke, crap" scheme haha, that was awesome to read. I feel like there were a few parts that didn't quite make perfect sense, something I know you've heard before. But for the most part, this piece had pretty good rhyming and made sense.

[J.R.]

Whoa. This is a huge improvement man. The multies are actually rather consistent. It kinda went overload a bit on the "Syke, crap" scheme haha, that was awesome to read. I feel like there were a few parts that didn't quite make perfect sense, something I know you've heard before. But for the most part, this piece had pretty good rhyming and made sense.

Thanks man! Well, I just wanted to do this piece now that I'm improving, after recently hearing Eminem's "Fly away" again, because it kind of just fit. So yeah. Thanks again.

[J.R.]

It's pretty dope man, keep it up.

Thanks Geno, This means a lot, especially coming from one of the better writers in here currently.

[J.R.]

Thanks for the compliment lol. I know you're capable, I remember from last year when we wrote all that stuff. At least 3 or 4 tracks. You're bringing it back which is good. I'm down to collab if you want.

yeah, it was summer time then too, I think honestly this is my best time due to actually having the time to write 3-4 days and relax in between and fix shit.

Yeah, hit me up. Maybe even that LT reunion we never did Name is writing.

[Eedee]

Improvement in the multi department, however you messed up some bars in Verse 2, I see.

"Do you see my score, or do you just not notice?
Cause everyone on the floor just knows I'm the dopest.
And if you can't beat me, let's see how far your hoe gets,
and if you stomp off mad to your car pissed at me,
know I'll chomp you bad, you little sissy G.
So just fly away and get off my D."

You do three lines with the "notice/dopest/hoe gets" scheme, and since you did couplets the entire song, it's only fitting you finish off the scheme evenly, however, you don't. You go onto another scheme on an odd bar which is extremely awkward and threw me off the flow first time I read it.

Unless you were going for the 3/3 bar scheme, which is unusual to do, try to make everything consistent in your verses. You do even couplets and then BAM, you throw the reader off with an odd bar scheme.

Other than that, the rhymes are better, for real. Keep it up.

edit: Just saw you did it again in the first verse. It really throws the reader off when you don't finish rhyme schemes like that.

[J.R.]

Yeah, Sometimes I have some problems with my flow when I write two full verses. But yeah, thanks. I'll work on that. It's hard to write 32 lines, lol.

[Eedee]

Yeah, Sometimes I have some problems with my flow when I write two full verses. But yeah, thanks. I'll work on that. It's hard to write 32 lines, lol.

Don't think of it as 32 bars. Think of it as two 16-bar verses. Easier that way. Maybe when you're writing as well, every two line rhyme scheme you do (even bars), put a spacing in between them so you can organize better. Then just put 'em all together when you're done. Or four bars if you're continuing in the scheme. Because doing stuff like this really throws us off:

".......dog
........log
........fog
........cat
........mat
........sat" for example. Try to make sure your rhymes are evened out on the bars. Try to be consistent throughout the WHOLE song if you're doing couplets/quadruplet rhyme scheme.

[J.R.]

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Great piece dude definitely a lot more multis and inners in these. I can see your getting it back dude keep it up!!

[Eedee]

^ I agree with you with the syllables thing. THAT kind of structure doesn't matter. I was talking more of couplets and whatnot. He was changing the rhyme scheme mid-scheme, if that makes sense. Like 3 bars of a scheme then starting a whole new scheme. I'm just telling him it's probably best to even out rhymes to even bars like a 2 or 4 bar scheme to be consistent. Unless you're doing the 3-bar scheme for the whole song, that's okay then. But he wasn't and it's liable to make the reader thrown off trying to figure out if you skipped a line or something. But I do agree with what you said about the syllable structure and whatnot.

[Eedee]

^ Fair enough. I'm just saying it's liable to throw some people off, doesn't mean it always will. Threw me off even as I rapped it, which you have to read to do so.

[J.R.]

Bumping this because I asked someone to feed it

[Atone]

Holy, fuckin shit man, this is one of your best peices i've seen from you

so many multi's, so much, the rhymes fit, everything sounded great dude, you have elevated, you put so alot of emotion in this