Short Sighted View

[CrashBand]

First time I've written since the couple of drops for Fiasco Experiment and exams.

Beat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iurJOEBbLu0
Feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146308

They say it’s a cold world we’re in
In my world, you’re the only girl let in
It’s been a painful struggle and you remain still puzzled
If you give me one more chance I can try and let the cure begin
I’ll go back on all the promises that I’ve been breaking
Realise you are not the only one who hates me
Not the only one… I do too
So much deceit I’ve harboured due to all the times I’ve lied to you
I fooled myself to thinking I was being kind to you
Go back in time; it’s the path that you mightn’t choose
This time you might recluse or maybe find a better me
Or could a better me be someone that will let you be?
I talk a lot of shit but can I walk with no limp
You have thoughts on us then tell me straight don’t hint
It makes no sense, it's like I’m tryna tempt fate
I stole away your feelings till I turned them to this bent shape
Listen to your friends they have your interest at heart
The interest I show is when I rip it apart
They want me away so that you're finally you
But I’m so up close I’ve got this short sighted view

[dmnelson0351]

I read it out loud to the beat to the way I imagined it, and I liked it. I liked the story you told, and the beat was perfect for it, if I was reading it right.

I really liked the line

"It makes no sense, it's like I’m tryna tempt fate
I stole away your feelings till I turned them to this bent shape"

Good shit boss, Good shit.

[Sam.]

Good story telling, liked the beat that you wrote this too. Could have told this in a more dramatic way because this is an old story in a new way, so adding more dimensions to an older concept is always advisable. Multis seemed a tad forced, like in the 2nd and the 5th bar. Work on that, man. Rest is fine.

[CrashBand]

ah.. potential bump

[Eedee]

Damn, sorry I slept on this! This was great, loved the rhyme schemes and the story-telling.

"Not the only one… I do to
So much deceit I’ve harboured due to all the times I’ve lied to you
I fooled myself to thinking I was being kind to you
Go back in time; it’s the path that you mightn’t choose"

Probably my favorite part, flowed very well.

[Mr.DGAF]

This had a rather poetic feel to it. I liked it, was really honest in how it was presented. I like the way it was worded and the "I do too" line in particular was nicely worded, because it enhanced the flow. You're obviously a good writer, you just hardly put stuff out haha.